Brown Toast

Clubbing baby seals just don't pay the rent

2007-06-14T15:13:00.000-04:00

Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland & Labrador vs. Ken Jenkins, Esteemed Actor

Same person? You tell me.

Smokie und zee Bandit

2007-05-22T15:26:00.000-04:00

Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair
- Reuters

Ok, so it's been a while. But it's not like I have a staggering readership anyways. If you actually did miss me, I missed you too, let's hug.

In any event, I see no reason to make amends. So instead of trying to come up with something good ... here's a quickie just because I can't stop laughing.

All I can say is: "YES!!! GO MAN! YOU FUCKING GO!"

There's only one thing I don't get. For a country with the nicest cars and the only true highway without a speed limit ... where do these cops get off pulling over a drunk guy in a wheelchair? He's not driving, he's not hurting anyone ... hell he's a poster child for responsible drinking in my opinion. How the hell else is he supposed to get home? It's not like he can take the back roads ... they may not be paved.

And what kind of spokesman makes a joke about impounding some guy's wheelchair anyways? Poor form Herr Polizeioffizier ... poor form indeed.

Frat boys blow it ... then each other

2007-04-04T16:20:00.000-04:00

Masturbating trespasser booted from frat
- The Michigan Daily (U of Michigan Student Paper)

Since when do frat boys complain about stuff like this? Some random chick shows up in their house, auditions finger puppets on their couch for thirty minutes, and then leaves without asking for money, a wedding ring or a ride back to her street corner ... and they complain? What the fuck.

Maybe next these guys will put up a petition to stop the sale of beer kegs in the state of Michigan. Or change last call to 7 p.m.

I mean I'm all for taking care of women when they're all fucked up and posing a danger to themselves or others, but if she has the dexterity to itch the ditch for 30 full minutes while still taking calls on her cell ... why not just turn off Mario Kart for a few minutes and enjoy the show?

What's worse is that these idiots called the COPS to oust her from her muffin' buffin'. What self-respecting group of guys can't brainstorm their way to kicking a stoned chick out of their house? All that expensive education must be going towards figuring out how to get a sober girl into their beds.

"Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident." Why are they throwing them both out? Did she reposition halfway through reading the braille? Or is this whole thing just a made-up excuse to get mom and dad to refurnish the frat house?

Either way, they're not doing anything to save the already dismal reputation of the college fraternity.

I can almost smell the whiteout

2007-03-05T16:55:00.000-05:00

How to drive in a blizzard
- CityNews

Thank you CityNews for explaining to me exactly how to drive in Canadian winters. Without you I would surely have just gunned it around that hairpin corner using only the guardrail and that school bus full of screaming children to keep me safely on the road.

Ahh whiteout conditions ... "when the horizon, the ground and the sky all blend together, enveloping you in a blanket of white." Sounds unnervingly calming doesn't it? Oddly enough, this is the exact same thing you see during a near-death experience. It's just a little less cold and you don't have some ponce in an SUV riding your ass like he's going in for the reach-around.

Your foot of ground clearance and 4-wheel drive doesn't make you invincible douchebag ... just ask O.J.

I like how the article encourages reader participation. "What should you do if you get caught in one?" they ask. Well City, my first step is to determine if it's sufficiently shitty to turn around, drive home and take a nap. But I can guaran-fucking-tee I won't be pulling off the road and spending my morning in a Tim Hortons just 'riding it out.' Not unless I've somehow wandered off and become so disoriented I can't find my way back to the QEW that is.

I also enjoy the suggestion of tying a coloured bandanna around your antenna for increased visibility. Just make sure you do your research and pick the colours of the local gang most averse to cold weather. I hear Tec-9's freeze up pretty easily though ... so maybe you can just take your chances.

I don't know how many times I've nearly laughed myself to incontinence upon spying a young hussy plowing through a blizzard with her Jackie-O glasses on. Who would have guessed it's actually the right thing to do? Not only can you deflect glare, but you can look fucking stylish doing it. Maybe this is a case for making even bigger sunglasses like those mirrored shields Macho Man used to wear ... Ohhhhh yeahhhh!

My favourite part though has got to be the two separate survival kits the CAA recommends you keep in your vehicle. God help you if you drive a SmartCar ... "Sorry babe, you'll have to ride outside on the bike rack. My triangular bandages, reflective rescue blanket and sterile gauze have perma-shotgun this season."

marriage has got a nice ring to it ...

2007-03-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:15 AM):
i have an allergy to metal
nickel
but thats not in gold or silver or platinum so wedding bands will be no probs
also assures i only get nice jewelry
brown says (11:18 AM):
i have an allergy to diamonds ... which means I won't have to buy one for my spouse
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:22 AM):
what spouse?
that allergy pretty much guarantees you will not have one to worry about
brown says (11:24 AM):
when i get a spouse
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:24 AM):
how?
no diamonds = no spouse
brown says (11:24 AM):
you sound like my buddy's gf
so materialistic
who would want to marry a girl that won't even consider it until you pay her off
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:25 AM):
well all materialism aside, engagement ring are diamonds
like.. common law spouse, sure thing, no ring
brown says (11:36 AM):
i just don't like the air of entitlement from most women that marriage comes with a nice big diamond ring attached
it kind of cheapens the entire thing if you ask me
my buddy's gf made the argument that if a man is willing to go out and spend 30k on a car, 5k on a TV and another 5k on a computer, why should she get a 15k ring for marrying him
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:38 AM):
well i think that she is a special case
and it should be for each relationship to decide what is appropriate to spend on a ring
why should she? or why she should?
brown says (11:39 AM):
i think i may not buy an engagement ring just because I don't want to perpetuate this
she says that there's a formula for ring spending.
it's like 1/2 of a man's annual salary at the time of engagement or something
which is stupid
why would you want to start a marriage in more debt than you have to?
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:40 AM):
what, she is wrong
brown says (11:40 AM):
it'll just have more strain on the marriage
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:40 AM):
its 3 months salary
brown says (11:41 AM):
even still
3 mos is a lot
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:41 AM):
but also, you shouldn't get married until you have the funds to support that
brown says (11:41 AM):
so in your eyes, marriage is as much about money as it is about love?
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:41 AM):
and i don't just mean a ring, i mean a wedding and starting a home together
no, but its a merging of two people
if the two people coming together are both in debt, then their ring and wedding will reflect that
and shouldn't be flashy nor elaborate
you should spend what your means are
and if you have the vision of a huge ring and dream wedding, then you need to be able to afford it
brown says (11:42 AM):
diamonds are worthless
they have no usable traits
unless you're trying to cut something like solid rock and you need a diamond-tipped drill, they're worthless
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:44 AM):
mmm...huh....
brown says (11:44 AM):
it has to be the single best example of artificial inflation based on the success of a media-driven, commodity-based society
i agree with the cost of the wedding, and certainly if you plan on having children. You should not spend outside of your means
but with a diamond, it just seems pointless
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:45 AM):
then don't get a big one!
don't do it, marry a girl who wants a band and nothing else
brown says (11:45 AM):
i'll marry a girl that doesn't expect anything more than a band. That's my point
it's about expectations
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:46 AM):
yes, the diamond is an idea made up of social conventions
but you know, when you're really in love and want everyone to know she's YOURS in the months and years between engagement and wedding
its a symbol of things to come
brown says (11:46 AM):
haha
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:47 AM):
and jackass at the bar will stop hitting on your lady if shes got a ring around her finger
brown says (11:47 AM):
this is a Spence Diamond commercial
insert phony guitar solo here
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:47 AM):
hah
brown says (11:47 AM):
ideally, jackass wouldn't have a shot in hell anyways because you're actually in love enough to get married to one another
and, for the record, guys don't notice engagement rings
certainly not when they're working girls at a bar
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:48 AM):
and the point is that its something she will wear every day for the rest of your lives together; it's supposed to be the most expensive piece of jewelry she has, because its being used every day
brown says (11:49 AM):
i'm opposed to jewelry in principle
she doesn't "use" it at all
she wears it
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:49 AM):
jewelry in principle?
why
brown says (11:49 AM):
i'd buy her a 10k watch first
at least then it serves a function
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:51 AM):
i cannot believe you are so anti-aesthetics
brown says (11:54 AM):
it's not all aesthetics
i'm all for expensive clothes and functional adornments ... cars, etc.
it's just jewelry really
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:55 AM):
while jewelry is decorative, it serves a function as representing social attributes, family history, personal traits
i wear my Latvian ring to denote my status as a unmarried, Latvian woman
and its frequently recognized and commented on by women and MEN both Latvian and not
brown says (11:57 AM):
you can't be honestly saying that is a rule and not the exception
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:58 AM):
no, but you are assuming that all jewelry is interchangeable and disposable
brown says (11:58 AM):
going to Spence Diamonds and picking out a diamond ring has absolutely no representation other than personal wealth
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:58 AM):
hah, Spence Diamonds represents lack thereof..
brown says (11:58 AM):
i'm generalizing it ... but i made the distinction between functionality and uselessness
EVERY jewelry store represents lack thereof
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:59 AM):
do photographs serve a function?
brown says (12:00 PM):
do photographs cost an exorbident amount of money?
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:00 PM):
ahhhh so it is the cost you have more of an issue with than its lack of functionality
brown says (12:01 PM):
it's the cost/functionality ratio
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:01 PM):
so if your grandmother gave HER ring, a huge diamond, to give to your fiancee, you would or wouldn't have an issue with it?
brown says (12:01 PM):
no issue because the cost and functionality were both low
a better route for your argument would be to ask me how i feel about pieces of art
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:03 PM):
and?
brown says (12:03 PM):
that's a tough one. It serves no purpose and yet it costs a lot of money. But i can derive enjoyment from it.
however, I would much rather buy a print of a famous artwork than spend money on the real thing
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:03 PM):
this is assuming you do not view jewelry as pieces of art, of course, assuming you would never consider investing in a hand-crafted, personally designed piece of jewelry
brown says (12:04 PM):
i would derive the same enjoyment from it as i would the real piece
no, i would not
unless i could find some personal value in it
like if it was made by my son/daughter
and by purchasing it, i would be supporting their goals, etc
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:06 PM):
not, like it was designed by the woman you love?
or designed by you for the woman you love?
brown says (12:07 PM):
no functionality
she should be able to design it and be happy with her accomplishment
stores that let you "design" rings based on a set number of options are just creating another argument for women who wish to possess rings for the sake of pomp and circumstance
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:09 PM):
some things are sentimental and traditional
and serve no functionality other than to herald that
brown says (12:11 PM):
a brand new diamond ring is neither sentimental nor traditional. It heralds only the fact that you are wealthy enough to throw away money on something that serves no other function
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:12 PM):
traditional: the tradition of engagement is for a diamond ring. her mother, her aunts, her sisters, her grandmothers all have them
sentimental: the moment of proposal will always be remembered, and will be requested as a story by friends and family, as well and children the couple will one day have
and the ring is a key part of proposal
its a symbol of commitment
brown says (12:15 PM):
that tradition is borne of nothing other than commodity culture and diamond companies. It holds no sway in my book.
as far as the moment of proposal is concerned. If she needs a ring to remember the moment i proposed marriage to her, she's not worth marrying anyways. The story should be about the love that is shared, not how much I spent on her ring.
if a ring is required as a symbol of commitment, it certainly doesn't have to be an expensive diamond ring
your commitment isn't measured in karats
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:26 PM):
no no that is true
obvs we will never reach an agreement on this

DISCLAIMERS:

brown: To my current girlfriend - My point of view is based on principle only and is only so fervently defended in this instance because I love to argue. You have the power to change my mind for me.

paige: To my current boyfriend - You know what to do.

Nutty librarians sack book with testy topic

2007-02-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

With One Word, Children’s Book Sets Off Uproar
- NY Times

The word “scrotum,” as a general rule, appears in all facets of my daily conversation. But it's a rare occasion when it appears in the first paragraph of a NYT article.

The fact that said article is discussing how 'scrotum' appeared on page one of a children's book makes this post part of some intense mirror-like effect that I can't even begin to understand.

Of all the personality types roaming Earth, the type required of grade school librarians is the most ill-suited to censor children's literature. Don't believe me? Just take a second and think back to your days in grade school. Remember the librarian? That little old coot hunched over a card catalog, sacrificing enjoyment and laughter to the dark lord Melvil Dewey, creator of all that is ordered? Their rule was staunchly authoritarian and it was apparent they hated all children with an intensity that burned like the sun.

Now look back on them through your adult eyes. The old axiom "those who can, do; those who can't, teach" was based on the school librarian profession. In the competency hierarchy of grade school teachers, they come in only slightly above janitorial staff and well below phys-ed teachers. The job interview for such a post is a simple checklist:

University undergrad degree
Post-grad education certificate
Complete lack of social life
Deep-seeded hate for children resulting from an unpopular youth

Growing up, those people would go into anaphylactic shock if they even heard the word scrotum, not to mention what happened when they were held down and shown one. (Go try it, it's funny.) So when I read the comments from these outraged librarians, I couldn't help but indulge in a deep, chortling laugh emanating from somewhere near my own scrotum.

You see, children need to read about funny-sounding body parts at an early age. In doing so, we can actually REDUCE the humour these words elicit later on in the development process. It's common knowledge to most parents that reading something in a book removes the word's controversy in a child's mind. If anything, making a 12 yr old work through the pronunciation in class will force them to come up with an entirely different word to yell at Susie on the jungle gym at recess.

Imagine, if you will, 35 pre-pubescent voices all stammering on 'sc-ro-tum' in unison. Their eyes all glossed-over in the reading-but-not-learning mode we've all since perfected. Can you hear them? It's like the voices of angels.

I think instead of banning an award-winning book because it mentions boy bags, we should publish the entire works of Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor and George Carlin and make them standard, English texts in every school. Not only would we have better behaved and more eloquent children, but we could most likely do away with formal sex-ed as well.

What if I just sent her cash and a picture of flowers?

2007-02-12T14:52:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day
Function: noun
Etymology: Saint Valentine died ab270 Italian priest
1: A holiday wedged between MLK Day and President's Day allowing North Americans to celebrate something not completely and unabashedly American between New Years and Spring.

Explained through cards, movies and confused discussions with your girlfriend, VDay is a celebration for lovers and the object of one's desire. It's a time to herald the union of a man and a woman, a man and a man, or (god willing) two attractive and experimental college girls with charge accounts at The Stag Shop ... but I digress. VDay, as defined by women, is the one day a year to celebrate that which makes us human - the love for another.

But what is VDay really? What lurks under the surface? Many non-partisans contend that VDay is nothing more than a meaningless consumer holiday created by some insidious conglomerate of chocolate manufacturers, florists and jewelry magnates aimed at increasing profits in a period of consumer lull. To those people, I say - What's your point?

For men, VDay means one thing - GIVING. Participation in this task is no more optional than participation in the morning commute. No amount of whining or anti-consumer logic will absolve you of your duty to send flowers at work; attend dinner in a suit; and possibly buy and wrap an expensive gift.

For women, the meaning of VDay is two-fold. On the one hand, it's a time to be showered with the aforementioned gifts. But the true meaning of VDay for every woman is actually the once-a-year, no-holds-barred competition to gauge the love of their significant other based on the quality of gifts sent to their place of work.

Like watching a particularly gory Discovery Channel program, I've seen, first-hand, the annual battle of bulbs and bonbons in no less than three different office settings. It begins shortly after 9 a.m. when the first delivery guy arrives with a small bouquet of flowers. They're delivered to a desk and immediately every other female in the office takes notice. Pleasantries are exchanged about the smells and colours ... perhaps the card is even passed around eliciting the required (but far from heartfelt) ooohs and ahhhs. Then, ten minutes later, another delivery guy shows up with another store-bought affirmation of love. This new gift is then subjected to the same judging process and, if it's better, immediately eclipses the first gift in attention. The process is then repeated throughout the day until the last gift has been received and tallied. By 4 p.m., a winner is proclaimed through a ritual of e-mail discussion, IMs and a continuous procession of female coworkers.

Those that played and lost are left to stare blankly at their 30-dollar "Tender Trio" bouquet and wonder just when exactly their boyfriend/husband expects to get laid again and how much better they'll feel once they've denied him that pleasure. In the other corner, the winner and her immediate runners-up spend the last hour of the day arranging for a truck to drive them and their three-dozen dead flowers back home again where, in a worst-case scenario they'll be left to wilt and then thrown out or, at best, aid in the digestive process of a loving pet.

So to any guy that has yet to purchase a VDay gift - I say go big and go public. Shell out some bucks and make your woman the big winner at the office this year. After all, if it were really the thought that counted, Valentine’s Day would still be about some dude who was killed for helping Christians escape torture and death in a Roman prison.

Driving me insane

2007-01-25T14:08:00.000-05:00

Over the last few months, I have taken to observing the ever-more apparent (and annoying) inverse relationship between the cost of a person's car and their ability to drive it. Simply put, the more money someone's car costs, the less able they are to operate it in a manner that illustrates basic human intelligence. Conversely, people who drive shit boxes seem to have no trouble handling seemingly simple things like turning lanes, stop signs and the flow of traffic.

Working in Vaughan, an area of Ontario with a higher-than-normal concentration of wealthy couples, I get the opportunity to see a lot of expensive cars when driving to the grocery store for lunch. Most of these cars are operated by uppity rich stay-at-home wives, ostensibly under-educated and over appreciated. It is through my daily interaction with these special treasures that I have drawn the following conclusion.

It seems there is a tangible hierarchy in the make and model of a car that can be used to gauge poor driving skills and social status. My findings are as follows:

Nouveau Rich:

Defined as: Young-ish junior executive wives new to a combined 6-figure salary and all the joys therein. Identifiable by new houses and important-sounding cellphone calls about what just happened on the 4 o'clock soap and how Nancy's husband Jim is most likely cheating on her with his secretary (who could blame him).

Physical Hallmarks: White ski-jackets with faux fur trim and those ugly tight jeans with matching fur-lined boots. Often sighted alongside these chicks are Louis Vuitton Baby carriages with screaming, unattended and under-appreciated children.

Car choice: E-class or M-class Mercedes; 3-series or X3 BMW; Audi A3; Infiniti G35 or FX

Driving Style: Typically apologetic when made aware of their ineptitude, these women are easily distracted by navigation systems, cell phones and airborne baby toys. They are either over cautious or over zealous and, depending on their current mental state, they either sit at stop signs waiting for them to turn green or fly around left-hand turns on a red light waiving their "Baby on Board" sign like it's a permit to break the law.

Established, under 40 MILF wannabes:

Defined as: Wives who's husbands have entered the fabled mid-life crisis stage and bring in high 6 to 7-figure salaries on their own. To compensate for their unloving marriages, these ladies ruthlessly stalk 20-something pool boys and produce clerks to fulfill their insatiable desire for the kind of sex they've been reading about in their trashy romance novels.

Physical Hallmarks: Authentic fur coats, gaudy jewelry and stupid-large Gucci sunglasses worn both indoors and out in a vain attempt to hide unsightly crows feet.

Car choice: lower echelon S-Class Mercedes; M3, 5-Series or X5 BMW; Audi A6; Infiniti M-series

Driving style: Flippant and full of themselves, these classed-up broads can't grasp the idea that the same rules apply to them as everyone else. Ignoring center lanes, right-of-way and yield signs, you'd swear they learned to drive from cabbies and adolescent boys. Oh, and don't expect turning signals, they most likely use that knob to the left to hold hold bracelets and strings of pearls.

Old Money nut jobs:

Defined as: Dusty old coots with the house on the hill. These ladies are retired on hubby money and locked into the lavish lifestyle. Sex is no longer an issue for these dried up prunes and instead they derive enjoyment from making the less wealthy as miserable as possible.

Physical Hallmarks: Picture Cruella De Vil, still animated, but transplanted into real life.

Car choice: Mercedes S500 (no less); M5 or 7-Series BMW; Audi A8 or S8; Infinti Q45

Driving style: While you'd think they'd calm down with age, these bats are really just MILF wannabes with poorer eyesight, slower reactions and little fear of dying. Best bet: get the fuck out of their way.

When wind attacks!

2007-01-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

Extreme wind chill shuts down Manitoba schools
- CBC News

Without sounding too much like a doddering old fart, I feel compelled to point out that in MY day, school was never closed due to wind, no matter how cold it was. I'm adding this new trend to my long list of things modern kids enjoy that I never had. I'll put it right between Jeep Hurricane Power Wheels and remote control helicopters.

The last time I checked, and I could very well be wrong on this, Canadian schools (even in backwards Manitoba) had windows and walls to keep wind out. Hell, they may even have some form of fire-based heat generation that kids can huddle around while they learn to sew mukluks and take down a polar bear with protractor and an elastic band.

And what is news like this doing to Manitoba's already-floundering tourism industry? Their slogan may be "Unforgettable Manitoba," but you don't want the unforgettable part to be that time when Uncle Bill's big toe froze off and the family had to eat it for sustenance. What's worse is that you can't find one page on Manitoba's tourism website that doesn't feature a picture of a fully grown polar bear. They even look hungry.

I also love how they quote a local meteorologist and then make him sound like rain man. I mean who quotes a guy twice in two sequential paragraphs saying the exact same thing? Was there a minimum word count or something? Check it:

"[It's] the coldest we've had all winter, and in fact, today is colder than any temperature we recorded all of last winter," Paula said.

"This is the coldest temperature at the [Winnipeg] airport since January 2005. So, it's been a couple of years since we've seen temperatures this cold."

So next time you feel a slight draft on your walk to the subway this winter, consider this: Somewhere in Manitoba a kid is sitting at home with his pet husky enjoying a day off. Unfortunately, he lacks the vocabulary to express his joy and a sufficient grasp of simple arithmetic to realize minimum wage at the fur trading post ain't gonna buy enough furs and coonskin hats to keep him from freezing to death 5 years down the road.

iPhoned this one in

2007-01-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

In Cingular-Apple Deal, Only Phone Was Missing
- NY Times

My fear of Apple's clout in today's tech market is eclipsed only by their power to stimulate in me an uncontrollable urge to buy their products. The iPhone, and I'm not talking about the Linksys model that was released in 1997, is the latest in a line of sleek, sexy and addictive tech products I will be mercilessly coerced into buying. Which is why I'm now joining the ranks of countless others furiously hammering at their keyboards to bolster the hype for a product still more than 6 months away from the Canadian market.

If you asked me why I needed an iPod back in 2004, I would most likely have whipped out my boxy yellow Sony Discman with the broken door hinge and thrown it right in your face. Personal mp3 players were a logical step in the evolution of portable music and, as a post-grad student without a car, an iPod was the only thing keeping me from having to acknowledge the rantings of degenerates on Toronto's transit system. Sure, there were other brands of mp3 players out there, but none of them came with a guaranteed elevation in perceived popularity or an instinctual tensing of the sphincter whenever I caught a random brigand staring at my white headphones.

Likewise, when the newest model of the MacBook Pro was released last year, I suddenly realized my 4-yr old PC tower was no more than a glorified abacus with built-in solitaire. I had no real need for a mobile computing platform and my knowledge of Apple's newest OS was relegated to an afternoon trying to find a widget that gave up-to-date Leaf news. But it took all of 5 seconds to engineer a compelling argument for why I needed one and another 5 months to secure enough capital to buy it.

So when King Jobs announced the iPhone yesterday at MacWorld, I hightailed it to the website to check it out. I have to admit, I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how much life sucked using my crappy Razr to make regular phone calls to my plebeian friends or listen to lackluster songs on my monochrome 4G iPod. How could I have possibly lasted this long?

So now, like some jackass with pocket aces at the Thursday-night poker game, Apple has laid down their cards early showing their supreme confidence that the smart phone market is safely in the bag. And, try as I might, I'm having a hard time finding fault with that assumption. The linked Times article (and many others) make some compelling arguments against the iPhone, but in reality there's no detractor that can't be toppled by Apple's advertising regime, no matter how logical their complaints are.

Apple has been selling dreams since 1984 and this is undoubtedly their best one yet. They have 6 months to create and apply a promotional campaign that will make this product synonymous with teen sex, mobile business, best friends and life-long happiness; and with the variety of big-name media vehicles they have on hand, I don't doubt for a second they can do it. I'm giving it 3 weeks until we see an iPhone subway car, a hot young girl's silhouette texting on a billboard and that wiry little Apple kid beating that poor fat man over the head with it. Maybe Pixar will even join in the fun and release an animated movie about it. By the time June rolls around, people will be so psyched to buy this thing the Apple store won't have stock till 2008. By that time, God willing, the iPhone will actually deliver on half of what it promises.

Redefining the definition of High Definition

2006-12-15T11:06:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit of a techaholic. I like to get new electronic toys as often as I can and I'll even go without other frivolous purchases like vacations and food in favour of a new laptop or iPod. So when friends come over to my place, they always have a hard time understanding why I still squint to see my 19" Costco Durabrand TV sitting in the corner collecting dust.

I'll admit it - the thing is UGLY. The screen is bowed like the side of a beach ball and, while it has RCA inputs, it will only accept video and mono-audio. Where there would normally be colour-coded jacks for left and right audio channels... I have a solitary gray one that simply says: "audio in."

Now I've heard the excuses from other telecapped people like myself. They most often orbit around the self-righteous contention that they don't watch enough TV to warrant buying a nice one. I'm not like them. I watch a lot of fucking TV. Even if I'm not actually watching TV, it's still on CNN in the background like that noisy friend that spews verbal diarrhea ad nauseam just to avoid the silence.

So when I finally realized I could no longer sit a foot away from the TV for 2 hours just to see where the puck was, I began researching a replacement with all the gusto typically reserved for choosing a university, a spouse or an 8-pack of tall-boys at the LCBO.

What I found is this: LCDs will last longer and outperform a plasma, but you'll spend more money on a smaller size. Plasmas, on the other hand, are the class clown of the flat screen market. If you are going for 'wow factor,' get a plasma. Like this new 103" Panasonic that measures 7.9ft across and weighs just under 500 lbs. Sure it costs more than a VW City Golf with spinning rims and a GPS system. And yes, it may take 6 guys and two cases of beer to get it from the store to the 8x10 bachelor's apartment you had to take just to pay for it. But daaaamn, will it ever kick ass for the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy and that home-made porno you put together in Final Cut with spliced-in clips from National Geographic's special on topless Tanzanian matriarchs.

That said, I'm now whittling down my LCD choices and awaiting the holiday bonus that will allow me to preserve some small shred of self-respect when the Future Shop salesman asks if I'm "looking for anything in particular or just browsing." (You asshole. Let the poor man dream.)

So it is decided that, come New Years Day, I will have a spiffy new 32" LCD TV adorning my wall. Keep your eyes on your inbox friends, I'm going to have a TV-warming party where we can all get together and watch my non-HD (but totally stolen) cable and the wonky cam-rip of Borat I downloaded from the Internet in all 32 inches of its vibrantly-oversized glory.

Trouble in Paradise?

2006-12-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

Baghdad robbers grab $1m in cash and Soldiers jailed over gun charges
- BBC News

Finally some news that says democracy and the western lifestyle are actually beginning to take hold in Iraq. For the longest time I have been fraught with anxiety that they're just spinning their wheels over there. How could the Iraqi people not see that our way was so obviously superior any sooner? We have free speech, free will and even free guns and money, so long as you're willing to steal them. What do they have? Apparently a diverse range of 'replica' firearms and bank security that predates the O.K. Corral.

Aside from all the other bad news, the first article really made me smile. Those cunning Iraqis have finally gleaned enough chicanery from the occupying force to make the whole ordeal work in their favour. A few sagacious insurgents lifted $1 million from an Iraqi bank by dressing in the wolf's clothing and walking in like they were searching for the second joker in the deck of terror. But, like so many of their Western counterparts, they didn't take the time to figure out how to best blow their booty.

What exactly does an Iraqi insurgent do with a million dollars in hard currency anyways? All of the strip clubs are bunkers, the casino is a base of operations and the movie theaters are still showing the ephemeral blockbusters of the late 90's like True Lies and Three Kings. I guess your only option is to bury it in the same hole they found Saddam and wait until the first McDonald's opens on Condoleezza Blvd. just off the Jeb Bush Expressway.

The second article should serve as a reference for the Interim Government on how Iraq can best develop their emerging export industry. Now that every oil patch is a new US state, Iraq has lost their primary bargaining chip in the international economy and, until sand futures show some growth, all they're left with are "dropped once, never fired" guns and thousands of Humvee chassis pre-equipped with speed holes.

I'm amazed at the apparent ease those soldiers had in rejigging replica guns to fire live rounds. I'm currently going through the toy chest from my youth looking for similar candidates. So far I've rigged a cap gun to shoot elastic bands and one of those muskets from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to shoot bottle rockets. I'm calling Germany tomorrow to see if they're interested.

'Five rubles says I can hit Mir from here'

2006-11-24T12:22:00.000-05:00

Spacewalkers to go golfing outside station today
- Spaceflight Now

At this exact moment, somewhere above the Earth's mesosphere, there is a 3-gram golf ball hurtling through space around the earth. All I have to say is ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

Leave it to the Russians to actually make something worthwhile out of space travel. This totally makes up for the rabid squirrel thing. I mean who cares about science experiments that can better mankind when you can take the second greatest game on earth into space?

Huzzah for Mikhail Tyurin, I have a new role model to tack up on the wall in my garage. Until someone grows the balls to kill Jim Nantz that is. This 'Golden Tee' douchebag drones on and on in the article making it painfully obvious that finding a 'celebrity' angle was left until 45 minutes before the deadline.

I guess some kudos have to go to Element 21 Golf Co. too. I would love to know how much they actually paid to put on this stunt and then compare that with their increase in sales over the next year. Aside from never before hearing about their clubs, my initial take of their website was: daaaaaaamn. If you're not on dial-up, check it out. The amount of flash they use left me teetering on the edge of an epileptic seizure. They even have a promo video for the shot that looks like it was animated by Pixar. I wonder how well their clubs perform in a environment where gravity, wind and the obligatory pre-tee off, 4-beer-buzz factor into the equation.

One last thing - the ad guy that dreamed this whole thing up has pretty much established bragging rights for all time with this idea. This is one hell of a precedent for future advertisers to look to and, with the Russians and Richard Branson pushing the envelope for the commercialization of space, new opportunities will soon abound. I'm counting the years until I can go outside at night, look up at the moon and see a big ol' Nike swoosh right through the middle. It can't be long off now.

Oh, Canada?

2006-11-20T14:36:00.000-05:00

Top of Grey Cup breaks off shortly after B.C. Lions are presented with trophy
- CBC.ca

What a wonderful metaphor for Canada's ailing 'professional' football league. After a mind- and body-numbing sub-zero degree evening game in Winnipeg's uncovered stadium, Earl Grey's cup was broken cleanly in two by an overzealous guard who probably moonlights as a coal miner in some prairie town of 200 people.

The trophy snapped at the base of the 'cup' separating the original trophy from the rings engraved with 97 years of winners; effectively severing the history of the game from what it has become - a low-budget advertising opportunity for Canadian insurance brokers. And rather than a heartfelt apology from the goon that did it, we get the following tidbit of intelligence: "they'll put it back together and we'll go get drunk out of it." Great... thanks Bates, what's next? Are you going to go streaking through the quad?

The CFL and I have had a falling out over the last decade. Gone are the weekend trips to Ivor Wynne Stadium with friends, the coveted tickets for the first Argo/Ti-Cat game of the season and the threadbare jersey worn to countless bars well into the winter months. It has been replaced with a kind of pity for a piece of Canadian history that is now nearing extinction.

What sporting institutions are we left with? Hockey is slowly migrating south along with our fresh water and lumber and all we get in return is Everybody Loves Raymond and semi-automatic weapons. We invented basketball but can't keep even 2 teams within our borders, Lacrosse never really caught on and our Olympic snowboarders almost get stripped of their medals for performance-enhancing marijuana.

I'm giving up sports and devoting the rest of my energy to prolonging the remnants of Canadian cultural independence: back bacon, the 'ou', democracy, dog sleds and the igloos in which we all live.

How many lbs of flesh could a woodchuck chuck...

2006-11-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'
- BBC News (Trust is the foundation of the BBC: we are independent, impartial and honest)

According to a report picked up from the esteemed and redoubtable Russian newspaper Komsomolskaya Pravda, there is apparently a new kind of killer lurking the streets of Lazo, Russia.

In addition to widespread poverty, rampant organized crime and an overall dearth of decent Quizno's outlets, Russians must now contend with rogue squirrel and chipmunk gangs that collectively attack, kill and EAT carnivorous household pets larger than a human toddler.

They say in the article that a shortage of pine cones is likely to blame for the squirrels shift in eating habits from vegetation to living animals. I'm no rocket surgeon, but I'm going to go ahead and say there may be a few gaping holes in that theory. Wouldn't the logical choice for a squirrel faced with no pine cones be to try some other form of plant life first? No, what we're dealing with here is ramped-up evolution.

Squirrels have, for centuries, been subject to man's superior intelligence, population growth and rate of urban expansion. They have been forced out of their homes, stripped of their food and they've finally had enough. They're going to do what the Native Americans couldn't and take the m'n f'n power BACK in the form of organized death squads.

Can you imagine what would happen if this problem spread to Canada? Our country is mostly made up of wooded areas and I'm pretty sure our squirrel population is exponentially larger than our human population. Forget our growing homicide rate; forget drunk drivers; forget AIDS. You want to stay alive? Stay the hell away from the neighbourhood park.

I figure it's only a matter of time now before these beasts get enough kid meat (rife with growth hormones) to put on some serious body mass and start taking out full sized adults. Soon they'll be sporting gang tattoos, wearing bandannas and packing heat. We're looking at an invasion here that even the most sophisticated space weapon can't tackle.

In the learned words of Bill Paxton's Pvt. Hudson: "That's it man, game over man, game over!"

Karma ('kär-m&), Noun. 1:

2006-11-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

Sniper Attacks Adding to Peril of U.S. Troops
- NY Times

I'm sorry... the town of what? KARMA? Really? Did Iraqi insurgents rename this town for this story specifically?

I'm going to preface this whole diatribe by saying that I don't support either side in this conflict... and that I think we should all just give peace a chance... and that green Gatorade really is the best tasting flavour. But despite my best hopes, wishes and beliefs people are still going to buy the purple stuff and I, in turn, will complain about it.

That said, the U.S. Armed Forces have developed a very special style of war that it has worked hard to perfect. It started somewhere around Vietnam and involves bombing the shit out of "enemy territory" from a few miles up and then sending in an elite team of corn-fed commandos to clean up what's still breathing.

On paper, this idea works harder than an emigrated Iraqi surgeon driving a New York cab. They can minimize casualties early on while dealing a crushing blow to a technologically-retarded ground force. In practice however, well who am I to say it's failing miserably but it's certainly taking a hell of a lot longer than it should or was planned to.

So what have Iraqi insurgents done to fight back against a better trained and better equipped foe? They've decided to fight with what they have... a membership to blockbuster. It's clear to me that some high-ranking insurgent rented a copy of the 1994 movie Sniper (and it's red-headed stepchild of a sequel) and has now gleaned every piece of information Tom Berenger has to offer. How else could they possibly know to shoot at a vital organ?

"They have also developed cunning methods of mobility and concealment, including firing from shooting platforms and hidden ports within cars." Hidden ports in cars you say? I wonder where they learned how to do something as dastardly as that? Maybe if the US tails every white van in the Washington area they'll get to the bottom of it.

In any event, it seems to me that this article (despite being extremely lengthy in typical NYT style) seems to gloss over the fact that the US has been using snipers for the same type of killing since WW2. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they invented it in the first place. Maybe if everyone went back to the "don't shoot till you see the whites of his eyes" style of fighting, there would be a higher value put on the lives they're spending so much money trying to end. At the very least, they'd save some cash on cluster bombs and white phosphorus.

Dear Mr. Darwin,

2006-11-03T15:01:00.001-05:00

Poor Reading Skills Raise Teen Suicide Risk
- MedicineNet.com

deer famlee and luvd wons,

I hev been ecstreemlee dipresed fer most of my yong lif. Skool just izent werkin fer me, I kant konzentrate and I hev no ideeia wut de dam teecher is riting on de bord. I wuz redy to jus giv up on skool and trow in de towl but non of yew wud let me. Now I hav nevr ben mor unhapie in my lif.

I wuz dispret to be assepted in de skool comewnitie and evan agreet to pertisipaat in a stody on peephole dat dont reed gud. Evryting wuz gud fer a wile but deese peephole hev ben folowin me fer more dan 3 YEERS! Its a constint reemyndor of my sortcumngs and maiks me sthand owt evan mor dan evr. Now dey evan tink I mite hav a sikeehatrick dishordor.

I em faced wif de reelisachun that I may nevor be hapee agen and so I hav desydud to jus keel myselv. Pleez dont trie to stop me az it is alredee to lait. If onlee somwon akshuly tryd to hewp me enstad of juss folowing me awrond and studing my beehavyor.

Goodbuy crewl werld,
Lil Billy No-read

We are all doomed.

2006-10-26T10:18:00.000-04:00

Stingray jumps aboard boat, stabs man, 81
- Chicago Tribune

Holy sweet Jesus. Forget greenhouse gasses; forget melting glaciers... forget the impending peak oil crisis. You want irrefutable evidence that our world is coming to an end, read this article. This is the sea-borne equivalent to a string of heinous and deadly kitten attacks in your hometown.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but stingrays are flat and sail-like because they're bottom feeders. They're supposed to roam the ocean's floor searching for small morsels of food and looking graceful and pretty while they're doing it. Since when do they launch themselves into boats to attack humans? I bet next they're going to form an army off the coast of Florida, sprout legs and go on a killing spree. You're next Jeb Bush! This is what you get.

This Carl Luer guy is totally talking out of his ass. "Spotted eagle rays often jump completely out of the water, although no one is sure why." Suuure they do buddy, just like planes piloted by major league baseball pitchers routinely crash into downtown NYC buildings... happens all the time and no one is sure why. "It can be very dramatic," he says. I'd be willing to bet that Jimmy Bertakis' description was a little less romantic. "What the fuck is that thi... arrghhh my heart!"

How the fuck do they know where human hearts are anyways? WHO TAUGHT THEM!? I'm pretty sure they can't even see that well. What kind of super-stingray sense do you have to have to locate a human heart? There's a question for you Luer. Riddle me THAT! I'm sure it's "very dramatic."

I'm blaming North Korea. The Ill Jong was a little too quick to apologize for his nuke test. I think the whole thing was a ploy to distract the international intelligence community from his secret stingray training facility. He's showing them clips of Crocodile Hunter a la Clockwork Orange to get them all fired up, then he unleashes them on the unsuspecting public. That crafty little bastard.

Best idea ever...

2006-10-19T11:30:00.000-04:00

Students Trained to Fight School Shooters
- AOL News

Seriously... what took so fucking LONG? How can you call yourself an American teen and not be prepared to jump some dude with a gat in the middle of trig class? I'd be training like Rocky every night on the off-chance that some gun-wielding psycho stormed my high school. Hell I'd bring my own gun into school just in case. Even if it meant I became that psycho. And if anyone got in my face about it... well hell... that's how it happens i guess.

I wonder if, in those instructional video tapes, there are any realistic portrayals of students dying while trying to fight back. It's pretty easy to get a sixth grader pumped about fighting by showing him a video... hell he's probably going to just go home and watch UFC anyways. It's a completely different story when you explain to him that he could fall under the 'collateral damage' heading in the acceptable loss category.

I'm betting the biggest silent partner in this affair is the US Armed Forces. I mean aren't they basically just prepping kids to join the army at an early age? They should have them recite the Ranger's Creed or a few lines from Saving Private Ryan each morning in addition to pledging allegiance and the saying the Lord's prayer. This will do wonders for the teachers' ability to control their students too. Imagine how quickly little Bobby would stop pulling Suzie's hair when he's staring down the barrel of a teacher-issued shotgun.

"If you have got 15 sixth, seventh and eighth graders, they can be an incredibly effective weapon." - This statement basically sums up my issue with this dude's plan. Do you even listen to yourself when you speak? How the FUCK can he possibly say that he's got a lot of support from parents? He's training a child-army for God's sake... and he's doing it for as little as 15 bucks a kid. Once they hit grade 9, Texas can send them all to Iraq. The US will probably be pretty low on troops by then. What self-respecting parent would go along with this? What happened to running AWAY from crazy people with guns? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO PEOPLE IN TEXAS?!

He even admits at the end that the first kid to rush the gunman will probably die. He backs up his statement by saying: "he won't be able to shoot the fourth, fifth, eighth, twentieth or thirtieth student." Ok, sure. But if he has an automatic rifle, he'll probably be able to pick off the third, seventh, nineteenth and twenty-second with no trouble.

What I propose is this: For 15 bucks a kid, I'll fly down to Texas and teach all of those kids how to:

accurately assess a crazy gunman situation;
determine where exactly he is in the school... and
RUN THE OTHER FUCKING WAY.

I'll even have enough money to bring in McDonald's for everyone so these kids can get back to focusing on what matters - childhood obesity.

Dude, you're getting a... ugnnnnhhh

2006-10-18T17:15:00.000-04:00

"These Dells are great for porno..."
- thatvideosite.com

Ok, so this is a bit of a departure from the usual, respectable online news channels I post about. Granted this site and the veracity of the video can be questioned ad nauseam, but that's not important. What IS important is why the eff Dell hasn't started targeting this demographic themselves. How many people looking at buying a new computer are doing so with lewd intentions for its future use? I know I am... and I know you are too. Yah, that's right, and I'm telling your mom.

Most Dells are displayed in Future Shops and Best Buys with little peel-away stickers that read: Windows Vista compatible or Intel Inside... but what about a sticker that reads 'Hard Core Streaming Porno-ready'? Or perhaps "New Non-Stick Keyboard Coating"?

Dell could aggressively tap a demographic that already makes up millions (if not gazillions) of current Internet users. I'm seeing a whole slew of new TV ads like this one:

The scene unfolds with a teen in his bedroom, hunched over a keyboard. His face is lit only by the bright glow from his monitor that displays two enormous fake tits bouncing across the screen. A soft, muffled moan coming from his Dell high-fidelity headphones blocks out the sound of his bedroom door opening and that freaky "dude you're getting a Dell" guy sneaking across the carpet. He deftly dodges the various skate shoes, hoodies and handguns strewn across this average American teen's bedroom floor. Then, just as the kid is nearing completion... the Dell guy rips off the kid's headphones and yells "Dude, you're dicking on a Dell!" Tell me you wouldn't go out and buy one... you're lying.

Other variations include the weary road warrior getting into his hotel room late at night, loosening his tie, examining the "complimentary wireless internet access" card and thanking god for his 17" wide-screen Dell laptop with built-in wifi card.

You could even work in female-targeted ads, although I have no idea how. Maybe a Dell brand vibrator powered by blue-tooth technology? The possibilities are endless.

Sufficed to say, if Dell wants to come out on top in the next fiscal quarter and regain some of the market share that is constantly migrating to Apple, they better get their collective heads out of their asses and start working on ad campaigns that will get more porn freaks on board. They are, after all, our future.

Operation Find Papers

2006-10-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants
- CNN

Ah yes, pot, the unexpected and potent enemy that has been ruining young Canadian's lives for decades. Who knew that Canada's elite would have to go all the way to Afghanistan to finally meet it on the battlefield and settle the score? They could have conducted the training excercise in the fields around my old home town.

At least we know that the troops best suited to handle a weed issue are on the job. Imagine if it were US troops that came across those plants. They'd probably settle in and start selling it to locals in the name of 'restoring freedom and democracy.'

I would love to see an entire armored car covered in pot plants too. I actually can't believe this article didn't include an image of that. It has Pulitzer written all over it.

I don't know what's harder to believe, that they used white phosphorus to try and burn down the plants or that it wasn't successful. I mean it's PLANTS... what happened to just cutting them down? Did they tap the engineer corps for this one? They may have had better results from the enlisted men. If the US is in Iraq for oil, maybe THIS is why Canada is in Afghanistan... we're conducting research vital to improving our no. 1 international export.

I think they just weren't trying hard enough to clear those plants. I know a few people that could have had them trimmed, cured and bagged before you could say 'durka durka.'

No suggestive dancing in the light beer room

2006-10-10T16:20:00.000-04:00

Booze, dirty dancing stop the music at Hailifax schools
- CBC News

Next week: Fun-police chief Gary Walker raids math class, bans bathroom breaks, recess and smiling.

What a BASTARD! Principal Gary Walker has got to be the meanest old coot ever. Who bans school dances? Aren't they afraid this will emotionally stunt their children's development? I can still remember getting all dressed up and honing my moves for my highscho....oohhh wait. No one went to highschool dances anyways.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the general consensus amongst kids older than 14 was to go get boozed in the woods and skip the dance all together. Likewise, the suggestive dancing was typically done horizontally on the basement couch with the TV turned up so mom and dad couldn't hear (they really could though... they just respected your need for 2nd base).

"Too many students have been showing up drunk or dancing suggestively to driving drum beats under the dim lights," says Garebear. Maybe the issue is actually driving drum beats and dim lights (or perhaps alliteration)? Why not hold elevator-music dances at high-noon on the local hockey rink? Lets see them try to dance suggestively on THAT!

I bet the real issue driving this entire thing is Walker Halifax Ranger's own inability to dance. He probably cried himself to sleep as a boy only to be woken by nightmares of Johnny Quarterback getting all the chicks with his impressive Chicken Dance skills.

In Walker's defence though, he does have a backup plan to keep up student morale: "If we do an ice cream social, or we do battle of the bands, the kids who show up to those events don't show up drunk or stoned." Really Gary? No one showed up to the battle of the bands stoned? I find that hard to believe. Hell I'd find it hard to believe no one showed up to the ice cream social stoned... I'd have thought that would pretty much be a prerequisite.

It ain't all peg legs and parrots

2006-10-10T12:20:00.000-04:00

Microsoft steps up anti-piracy efforts
- CBC

So Gates is gone to pursue other options. In all honesty, I think the various tête-à-têtes he's had with Bono over the years made him realize it's actually more fun to spend money than to make (and lose) it at the helm of Microsoft. Now he's touring the world with fellow super heroes like Bill Clinton declaring that the spread of AIDS must be stopped with all the gravity and conviction he once reserved for Windows Vista deadline promises.

That leaves Microsoft in some pretty shaky hands. Those shaky hands belong to the ever-agitated Steve Ballmer. This guy has about as much finesse as a neutron bomb in a China shop. He used to be the Yin to Gates' Yang balancing the latter's cool-guy 'wtf-cares-I'm-rich-biaaatch' attitude with just the right amount of murderous, chair-throwing rage. Now that the Yang is gone, we're left with the Yin making rash decisions in a crucial time where Microsoft could, for once, conceivably topple from their number 1 position.

I'm wondering what the hell Ballmer is thinking with these newest Vista anti-piracy announcements. Not only will users running what Microsoft (often incorrectly) determines to be a pirated version of Vista lack access to some key features from the get-go, they will apparently lose access to even non-Microsoft programs after 30 days. According to the article, after one month of unverified operation, Vista will further restrict users to just the web browser for an hour at a time leaving them unable to open any file or program on their own hard drive. As if frequent blue-screen-of-death system crashes weren't enough, now those few fleeting minutes between them will be restricted to checking webmail and surfing internet porn. What a wonderful way to further drain productivity.

There is no doubt in my mind that Microsoft is hastily driving the first of many nails into their own coffin through continued anti-piracy efforts in the form of WGA. On the other hand, Google, their number 1 competitor, is moving towards a freely-accessible online OS already evidenced with the seamless integration between Google Calendar, Homepage, Picasa and Blogger. For the most part, all of these services actually work too, and with a minimum of integrated advertising. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now Google seems to be playing the good-guy role. We'll see how the recent acquisition of YouTube will factor into that in the coming months.

Expert you say? Why yes actually...

2006-10-05T16:02:00.000-04:00

Avoid wild mushrooms, hospital advises
- CBC

911 Operator: 911, please state the emergency.

Me: Uhhh... I think I may have eaten a poisonous mushroom.

911 Operator: Ok sir, just calm down. Are you experiencing any health effects?

Me: Welllll, my heart is racing...

911 Operator: Anything else?

Me: Huh? Who is this? Oh... right. I'm seeing trails, I can't stop grinding my teeth... uhh... my skin feels tingly and this phone smells like... aahahhaha... that squirrel is so humping that garden gnome. Quick, let's catch him and feed him the rest of these!

This article rocks. So very Canadian. Where else are you going to get a straight-faced account of the health risks associated with eating wild mushrooms? I bet the CBC runs a 'special warning' on ticker-tape during tonight's Leafs game.

I had no idea there was such a profession as 'Mushroom Expert.' Their business cards must be brightly coloured and ornate. They must have been so pumped when they announced the bumper crop this year... along with the entire under-30 population of BC.

Moral of this article: Only buy mushrooms from your local grocery store... or the guy in the hemp shirt, baggy cargo pants and oversized toque standing outside your local grocery store. He is quite likely an honest-to-God Mushroom Expert so you have nothing to worry about.

Blow at high dough

2006-10-04T12:13:00.000-04:00

Lawmakers Scold Maker of 'Cocaine' Drink
- NY Times

In a shocking news report from the NY Times, sources have uncovered the unthinkable - New York has a cocaine problem. Not the drug cocaine however, we're talking about a new caffeine-based energy drink by the same name that has just hit the shelves (and the fan) in the city that never sleeps.

Mr. Bloomberg, illustrious mayor of New York and his cronies are heading up a 'public outcry' against the new drink that "glamorizes an illegal and deadly stimulant that has ravaged families and neighborhoods since the epidemic of the 1980’s."

Shame on Redux Beverages L.L.C., the California-based soft drink manufacturer who produces the substance and then markets it (legally I might add) on the east coast. I think Councilman James Sanders Jr. of Queens really sums up the pure villainy of their plan saying, "Either (they) are woefully ignorant of the horrors of cocaine addiction, or (their) god is the dollar bill, and not even human life is more sacred." I second that notion; those bastards must be actually be trying to turn a profit on their new product.

God forbid a company put profits over people in a country that has prided itself on doing just that across the globe for decades. I wonder where Mr. Sanders' expensive designer suit was made; I'd be willing to bet at least some of his fancy garbs were outsourced to a country where low wages and even lower standards of living helped the label bolster their bottom line. I'm no better, I'll admit, I just can't stand the pungent pong of hypocrisy wafting its way across the country.

The outrage doesn't end there though, and really why should it? Once they run out of mean-spirited adjectives to describe how detrimental this product will be for New York's impressionable "children and teen ‘partygoers,’" they start attacking its lack of nutritional benefits. Surprisingly, Cocaine can't replace orange juice, water or breast milk as a part of your complete breakfast. In fact, while Cocaine does lead energy drinks in caffeine (280 mg/8.4-ounce serving); it pales in comparison to a 16-ounce cup of Starbucks coffee which contains over 370 mg.

One overly paranoid Councilwoman even implies that Cocaine may be a gateway product (like those fiendish Popeye Cigarettes) enticing youngsters to try the real thing. Lady, you have to be on something yourself to make a statement like that. That's like saying Jolt Cola could cause kids to jam a fork in their toaster trying to take it to the next level.

I want to know why no one has brought guns to bear on Cocaine's main opponent, Red Bull and their 'give you wings' campaign. In my opinion, either they are woefully ignorant of the horrors of sprouting wings or, like Redux, are only concerned with the almighty dollar. Again, how dare they! Companies should know better than to put money first in the heart of today's most successful (and immoral) consumer culture.

Y'all ready to bust some ass?!?

2006-10-03T14:33:00.000-04:00

In Many Public Schools, the Paddle Is No Relic
- NY Times

Aahhhaha Texas. Why do you always seem to be leading the charge against common sense and decency in North America? (I know, I know Colorado, you're up there too.)

Apparently, corporal punishment is back in style along with skinny pants and Samuel L. Jackson. I guess the fear of getting your ass slapped with a wooden pole must be pretty effective in stopping schoolchildren from knifing each other for dissin on Spongebob. It must not turn into something lewd and enjoyable until you get to university and pledge for a fraternity.

Judging from his picture (taken shortly after batting practice), Anthony Price, principal of Fort Worth middle school, really and truthfully loves his job. Picture him getting ready to beat your ass to a bloody pulp with that thick wooden stick. Dude must be in heaven. I wonder how many 'pops' you'd get for making fun of his tie? Tina Morgon definitely spoiled Mr. Price's day when she went Indian giver on her carte blanche clearance for continued beatdowns. I guess she'll have to put a "blisterin on (her son's) knucklehead" on her own time instead.

Apparently, the punishment for playing a game where you punch your friends to see who's tougher is being beaten about the buttocks with a paddle. Seems about right I guess, I mean Trav will never think of using violence to assert his superiority again, not after that stunning display of adult better-judgment.

But Mr. Price couldn't have gone right to the paddle, no siree Bob. Similar to Dante's Inferno, there are three other rungs on his ladder to hell. Poor Travis must have first endured a scathing verbal warning, followed by push-ups (not an easy task for a hefty fella like T-bone) and finally detentions and isolation. Then, and only then, would he get a choice of getting beaten or bringing his mommy to school with him for the day. I bet if he took the parental shadow route Mr. Price would be dealing with a new 'flinch' champion on the schoolyard in the form of Ms. Tina Morgan.

I can't help but wonder how her son could fall into the wrong crowd though. I mean he's obviously coming from a safe and intellectually rich household... she's a single mother working on a highway crew in rural North Carolina. I'm pretty sure that in Texas, that's one step below governor.

Truth-be-told, I think the only time I've even heard of paddling was in that movie Dazed and Confused, which oddly enough also takes place in Texas. That says a lot about the media's portrayal of violence though; from what I could tell, Ben Affleck (bless his no-talent heart) made it look like a righteous time for all involved. Maybe if Mr. Price took Travis under his wing and taught him how to pick up highschool sophomores while feeding him beers from the trunk of his 70's muscle car, he could have avoided the entire snafu in the first place.

Wal-Mart: Making Baby Jesus Cry since 1962

2006-10-02T16:45:00.000-04:00

Wal-Mart to Add More Part-Timers and Wage Caps
- NY Times

Oh good, more part-time, under-trained, under-enthused expectant teenage mothers to look at me petulantly and break into tears when I ask, "umm what aisle can I find the little floating silicon coolies that keep my imported beer cold while I'm watching TV in the hot tub?"

Don't Wal-Mart workers have it bad enough? They already have to wear those stupid blue smocks all day, sport a murderous-rage-inspiring happy face pin, smile at idiots like me and clean up every form of bodily fluid from toddlers and drunken old men alike.

How did the decision to cut their wages go down anyways?
Johnson: Hey Stevens, who should we fuck in the ass today?
Stevens: Hrm... well I'm way too coked up to think of something new... lets drop trou on our support staff again.

They've even quashed all attempts by workers to win back some dignity by joining a union with a fervour reminiscent of Tiananmen Square. The only ones that came close were the French Canadians and I'm pretty sure they just decided to close the store all together.

As a result, I have decided to boycott Wal-Mart indefinitely. Granted, I only go into Wal-Mart about 2 or 3 times a year; usually when I've forgotten Mother's Day or some other occasion that requires a card and a small gift 10 minutes before you're supposed to be there. Even then, I usually don't mind taking the extra 30 mins to make a few stops at smaller, specialty stores like Zellers or A Buck or Two. Nevertheless, the boycott stands, Wal-Mart be warned.

"I'll have a ... urger ... large c ... and a ... ow job please"

2006-10-02T10:06:00.000-04:00

Armstrong 'got Moon quote right'
- BBC News

FINALLY, incontrovertible proof that Mr. Armstrong didn't make an all-too-crucial error in diction while pre-occupied with being the first human to WALK ON THE MOON. This is indeed one small step for man and one giant leap for GoldWave Inc. Hopefully now they can afford a new website.

In any event, the last piece of the puzzle is finally in place - case closed. Maybe now, with this new technology, we can also solve that mystery of why I always hear "'scuse me while I kiss this guy" in Hendrix's Purple Haze and "slow-motion Walter, the fire engine guy" in Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water. Quick Mr. Ford, analyze some Beatles' songs in reverse and tell me what the dark lord is ACTUALLY saying.

This is just the kick in the pants that NASA needed. All those exploding shuttles and the billions of dollars of debt can now be wiped clean from their conscience. Dubya, the most space-crazed president since whoever was running the country for JFK, must be very pleased too. Even though this means the list of other people who can't repeat a simple sentence on TV without effing it up has just shrunk by one.

But what about the 6 per cent of the general public that believe the landing itself was fake? I mean now that we've proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that all syllables were accounted for in Steely Neil's historic speech, what's left to dispute? Sure blueprints, telemetry and video from the other five Apollo missions are missing, and there's footage of the American flag blowing in the moon's non-existent wind. Maybe you can even see a guy smoking a cigarette peering out around the side of the lunar module... but I specifically heard Neil say "a man," so THERE. Now take your conspiracy theory-addled brains and focus on something more important, namely why Jets leave little cloud trails in the sky and what effect that has on the frequency of boom-booms I make in a single day.

... Umm I believe I ordered mine Kosher?

2006-09-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

Beijing's Penis Emporium
- BBC News (no really, it's not Fox)

So this post is a little more low-brow than the others, but I'm on deadline at work and I feel that the content is just too rich to pass up. There's something about an entire article on China's apparent nation-wide fixation with eating cock that simply must be discussed.

I mean here's something the entire male population of the Western World has been trying to convince women (and I guess some dudes) of for centuries: A dick in the mouth is good for body, mind and soul. A heart-felt thank you goes out to the People's Republic of China for finally driving this point home and to Andrew Harding, special penis-eating correspondent to the BBC for bringing it to our attention.

Nancy, the waitress-cum-nutritionist at The Guolizhuang (pronounced goal-is-wang?) penis restaurant, is by far my favourite waitress ever. I mean where else can you hear "They're having the penis hotpot" or "Women don't come here so often, and they shouldn't eat testicles" (good advice) from your server? Not Kelsey's or Jack Astor's I can assure you of that. She's obviously very experienced, I can now rest more easily knowing that tiger penis tastes "just like all the others" despite it's exorbitant pricing. I guess the proof must be in the pudding in this case, I wonder if it comes as a dipping sauce.

This is one of the reasons I don't enjoy Asian mystery restauranting even along the tame streets of Toronto's downtown core. One of my worst nightmares is passing a quaint, upscale establishment only to find the menu populated by various assortments of animal dick; and God help me if I didn't have a Nancy there to let me know what I was getting myself into.

I recall an entire class in my post-grad program devoted to writing interesting and thought-provoking captions for the images that accompany a news article. The gist of it was not to call out the obvious, but rather to give some sort of insight into the 'bigger picture.' So when I saw a caption under a picture of various animal penises hanging from a hook that reads: "The Chinese believe that eating penis can enhance your virility," I felt a special appreciation for the simplicity and clarity of the message. Why call out the obvious fact that they're animal penises, maybe that's just this one special case. Bravo caption guy... you must not have fallen asleep that day either.

Ms. Spelling does the USofA

2006-09-27T16:14:00.000-04:00

Secretary Vows to Improve Results of Higher Education
- CBC News

First of all, let's ignore the fact that the Secretary of Education in the USofA looks like she could be the dominatrix in some teachers-revenge S&M porn flick. I mean look at her in her big black frames and short, no nonsense haircut with her hands all folded together in some nunnish approximation. Now picture her dressed up in a black latex cat suit with 5-inch heels holding a whip in one hand and one of those nasty metal rulers in the other. Now stop picturing it, you're at work and people are staring.

And Ms. Spellings? You're shitting me right? Is that name handed down with the job? She's basically a new addition to the cast of that cartoon show C.O.P.S. She's standing alongside LongArm, BulletProof and Sgt. Mace to fight against multiple-multiples and St. Patty's Day exam dates.

I'm stymied as to how the implementation of standardized testing could improve post-secondary grades in the first place. For once, and I'm eating my hat here, I actually agree with a university administrator. At best it will support the contention that there is no correlation between the school you go to and the level of your learning (although I thought this point was already proved when Dubya gradumacated from Yale). At worst you're looking at further degrading student morale by adding another monster exam on top of SATs and deciding what to order off the extra value menu at McDonalds after the bar.

Wolf and the Gang

2006-09-27T14:21:00.000-04:00

Beheaded prophet opera dropped
- BBC News

Ok, so the pope just got bad-touched in the confessional by the media for quoting an ancient text that said spreading (religious) ideals through violence is wrong. I can dig that. I mean that's as hypocritical as you can get... he's the leader of the religion that went on a world tour burning, killing and pillaging in the name of God AAAND he was in the Hitler Youth as a young pup (I know, I know not of his own volition).

But you gotta start calling bullshit when the fear of reprisal from the small, yet extremely vocal contingent of the international Islamic community reaches all the way to the German opera. I mean cancelling a 226-yr-old show because it depicts the severed heads of Poseidon, Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha? What's next, the international Viking community starts complaining about how metal hats with horns has been sullied by fat women with extremely loud singing voices? Let's leave opera alone guys, it's got enough troubles dealing with no more audience once the rest of the WW2 vets die and just plain sucking overall.

Freedom Fighter or Dark Lord?

2006-09-26T16:13:00.000-04:00

Conrad Black wants to be Canadian again
- CBC News

Seriously Connie? You want back into Canada now? What could the bridle path baron possibly desire in our small backwards country-across-the-pond when he's already the Baron of Crossharbour in the land of spotted dick and the Lord of looting and racketeering in the USofA? Perhaps it's the legitimate fear that, if he doesn't act now, his felony conviction will keep him on the wrong side of our iron curtain of unarmed border guards... that is if they don't decide walk off the job again.

Well at least the disposed media baron still knows how to get the message out. "Hrmm... let me see... CBC, CTV, CHCH... ooh TVO! That one's popular with the average joe, isn't it?"

And speaking of average joes... isn't it nice of him to "go through the normal channels like everyone else" in his quest for citizenship. Frankly I'm surprised he didn't ride into Queens Park on a fire breathing unicorn demanding his citizenship on a golden scroll. Bless you Lord Tubby for giving us little people your (albeit inedible) table scraps.

All praise to Canada's soon-to-be freedom fighter - Lord Conrad 'che' Black. Hasta la victoria siempre!