I can almost smell the whiteout

How to drive in a blizzard
- CityNews

Thank you CityNews for explaining to me exactly how to drive in Canadian winters. Without you I would surely have just gunned it around that hairpin corner using only the guardrail and that school bus full of screaming children to keep me safely on the road.

Ahh whiteout conditions ... "when the horizon, the ground and the sky all blend together, enveloping you in a blanket of white." Sounds unnervingly calming doesn't it? Oddly enough, this is the exact same thing you see during a near-death experience. It's just a little less cold and you don't have some ponce in an SUV riding your ass like he's going in for the reach-around.

Your foot of ground clearance and 4-wheel drive doesn't make you invincible douchebag ... just ask O.J.

I like how the article encourages reader participation. "What should you do if you get caught in one?" they ask. Well City, my first step is to determine if it's sufficiently shitty to turn around, drive home and take a nap. But I can guaran-fucking-tee I won't be pulling off the road and spending my morning in a Tim Hortons just 'riding it out.' Not unless I've somehow wandered off and become so disoriented I can't find my way back to the QEW that is.

I also enjoy the suggestion of tying a coloured bandanna around your antenna for increased visibility. Just make sure you do your research and pick the colours of the local gang most averse to cold weather. I hear Tec-9's freeze up pretty easily though ... so maybe you can just take your chances.

I don't know how many times I've nearly laughed myself to incontinence upon spying a young hussy plowing through a blizzard with her Jackie-O glasses on. Who would have guessed it's actually the right thing to do? Not only can you deflect glare, but you can look fucking stylish doing it. Maybe this is a case for making even bigger sunglasses like those mirrored shields Macho Man used to wear ... Ohhhhh yeahhhh!

My favourite part though has got to be the two separate survival kits the CAA recommends you keep in your vehicle. God help you if you drive a SmartCar ... "Sorry babe, you'll have to ride outside on the bike rack. My triangular bandages, reflective rescue blanket and sterile gauze have perma-shotgun this season."