What if I just sent her cash and a picture of flowers?

Valentine's Day
Function: noun
Etymology: Saint Valentine died ab270 Italian priest
1: A holiday wedged between MLK Day and President's Day allowing North Americans to celebrate something not completely and unabashedly American between New Years and Spring.


Explained through cards, movies and confused discussions with your girlfriend, VDay is a celebration for lovers and the object of one's desire. It's a time to herald the union of a man and a woman, a man and a man, or (god willing) two attractive and experimental college girls with charge accounts at The Stag Shop ... but I digress. VDay, as defined by women, is the one day a year to celebrate that which makes us human - the love for another.

But what is VDay really? What lurks under the surface? Many non-partisans contend that VDay is nothing more than a meaningless consumer holiday created by some insidious conglomerate of chocolate manufacturers, florists and jewelry magnates aimed at increasing profits in a period of consumer lull. To those people, I say - What's your point?

For men, VDay means one thing - GIVING. Participation in this task is no more optional than participation in the morning commute. No amount of whining or anti-consumer logic will absolve you of your duty to send flowers at work; attend dinner in a suit; and possibly buy and wrap an expensive gift.

For women, the meaning of VDay is two-fold. On the one hand, it's a time to be showered with the aforementioned gifts. But the true meaning of VDay for every woman is actually the once-a-year, no-holds-barred competition to gauge the love of their significant other based on the quality of gifts sent to their place of work.

Like watching a particularly gory Discovery Channel program, I've seen, first-hand, the annual battle of bulbs and bonbons in no less than three different office settings. It begins shortly after 9 a.m. when the first delivery guy arrives with a small bouquet of flowers. They're delivered to a desk and immediately every other female in the office takes notice. Pleasantries are exchanged about the smells and colours ... perhaps the card is even passed around eliciting the required (but far from heartfelt) ooohs and ahhhs. Then, ten minutes later, another delivery guy shows up with another store-bought affirmation of love. This new gift is then subjected to the same judging process and, if it's better, immediately eclipses the first gift in attention. The process is then repeated throughout the day until the last gift has been received and tallied. By 4 p.m., a winner is proclaimed through a ritual of e-mail discussion, IMs and a continuous procession of female coworkers.

Those that played and lost are left to stare blankly at their 30-dollar "Tender Trio" bouquet and wonder just when exactly their boyfriend/husband expects to get laid again and how much better they'll feel once they've denied him that pleasure. In the other corner, the winner and her immediate runners-up spend the last hour of the day arranging for a truck to drive them and their three-dozen dead flowers back home again where, in a worst-case scenario they'll be left to wilt and then thrown out or, at best, aid in the digestive process of a loving pet.

So to any guy that has yet to purchase a VDay gift - I say go big and go public. Shell out some bucks and make your woman the big winner at the office this year. After all, if it were really the thought that counted, Valentine’s Day would still be about some dude who was killed for helping Christians escape torture and death in a Roman prison.