iPhoned this one in

In Cingular-Apple Deal, Only Phone Was Missing
- NY Times

My fear of Apple's clout in today's tech market is eclipsed only by their power to stimulate in me an uncontrollable urge to buy their products. The iPhone, and I'm not talking about the Linksys model that was released in 1997, is the latest in a line of sleek, sexy and addictive tech products I will be mercilessly coerced into buying. Which is why I'm now joining the ranks of countless others furiously hammering at their keyboards to bolster the hype for a product still more than 6 months away from the Canadian market.

If you asked me why I needed an iPod back in 2004, I would most likely have whipped out my boxy yellow Sony Discman with the broken door hinge and thrown it right in your face. Personal mp3 players were a logical step in the evolution of portable music and, as a post-grad student without a car, an iPod was the only thing keeping me from having to acknowledge the rantings of degenerates on Toronto's transit system. Sure, there were other brands of mp3 players out there, but none of them came with a guaranteed elevation in perceived popularity or an instinctual tensing of the sphincter whenever I caught a random brigand staring at my white headphones.

Likewise, when the newest model of the MacBook Pro was released last year, I suddenly realized my 4-yr old PC tower was no more than a glorified abacus with built-in solitaire. I had no real need for a mobile computing platform and my knowledge of Apple's newest OS was relegated to an afternoon trying to find a widget that gave up-to-date Leaf news. But it took all of 5 seconds to engineer a compelling argument for why I needed one and another 5 months to secure enough capital to buy it.

So when King Jobs announced the iPhone yesterday at MacWorld, I hightailed it to the website to check it out. I have to admit, I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how much life sucked using my crappy Razr to make regular phone calls to my plebeian friends or listen to lackluster songs on my monochrome 4G iPod. How could I have possibly lasted this long?

So now, like some jackass with pocket aces at the Thursday-night poker game, Apple has laid down their cards early showing their supreme confidence that the smart phone market is safely in the bag. And, try as I might, I'm having a hard time finding fault with that assumption. The linked Times article (and many others) make some compelling arguments against the iPhone, but in reality there's no detractor that can't be toppled by Apple's advertising regime, no matter how logical their complaints are.

Apple has been selling dreams since 1984 and this is undoubtedly their best one yet. They have 6 months to create and apply a promotional campaign that will make this product synonymous with teen sex, mobile business, best friends and life-long happiness; and with the variety of big-name media vehicles they have on hand, I don't doubt for a second they can do it. I'm giving it 3 weeks until we see an iPhone subway car, a hot young girl's silhouette texting on a billboard and that wiry little Apple kid beating that poor fat man over the head with it. Maybe Pixar will even join in the fun and release an animated movie about it. By the time June rolls around, people will be so psyched to buy this thing the Apple store won't have stock till 2008. By that time, God willing, the iPhone will actually deliver on half of what it promises.