What if I just sent her cash and a picture of flowers?

Valentine's Day
Function: noun
Etymology: Saint Valentine died ab270 Italian priest
1: A holiday wedged between MLK Day and President's Day allowing North Americans to celebrate something not completely and unabashedly American between New Years and Spring.


Explained through cards, movies and confused discussions with your girlfriend, VDay is a celebration for lovers and the object of one's desire. It's a time to herald the union of a man and a woman, a man and a man, or (god willing) two attractive and experimental college girls with charge accounts at The Stag Shop ... but I digress. VDay, as defined by women, is the one day a year to celebrate that which makes us human - the love for another.

But what is VDay really? What lurks under the surface? Many non-partisans contend that VDay is nothing more than a meaningless consumer holiday created by some insidious conglomerate of chocolate manufacturers, florists and jewelry magnates aimed at increasing profits in a period of consumer lull. To those people, I say - What's your point?

For men, VDay means one thing - GIVING. Participation in this task is no more optional than participation in the morning commute. No amount of whining or anti-consumer logic will absolve you of your duty to send flowers at work; attend dinner in a suit; and possibly buy and wrap an expensive gift.

For women, the meaning of VDay is two-fold. On the one hand, it's a time to be showered with the aforementioned gifts. But the true meaning of VDay for every woman is actually the once-a-year, no-holds-barred competition to gauge the love of their significant other based on the quality of gifts sent to their place of work.

Like watching a particularly gory Discovery Channel program, I've seen, first-hand, the annual battle of bulbs and bonbons in no less than three different office settings. It begins shortly after 9 a.m. when the first delivery guy arrives with a small bouquet of flowers. They're delivered to a desk and immediately every other female in the office takes notice. Pleasantries are exchanged about the smells and colours ... perhaps the card is even passed around eliciting the required (but far from heartfelt) ooohs and ahhhs. Then, ten minutes later, another delivery guy shows up with another store-bought affirmation of love. This new gift is then subjected to the same judging process and, if it's better, immediately eclipses the first gift in attention. The process is then repeated throughout the day until the last gift has been received and tallied. By 4 p.m., a winner is proclaimed through a ritual of e-mail discussion, IMs and a continuous procession of female coworkers.

Those that played and lost are left to stare blankly at their 30-dollar "Tender Trio" bouquet and wonder just when exactly their boyfriend/husband expects to get laid again and how much better they'll feel once they've denied him that pleasure. In the other corner, the winner and her immediate runners-up spend the last hour of the day arranging for a truck to drive them and their three-dozen dead flowers back home again where, in a worst-case scenario they'll be left to wilt and then thrown out or, at best, aid in the digestive process of a loving pet.

So to any guy that has yet to purchase a VDay gift - I say go big and go public. Shell out some bucks and make your woman the big winner at the office this year. After all, if it were really the thought that counted, Valentine’s Day would still be about some dude who was killed for helping Christians escape torture and death in a Roman prison.

iPhoned this one in

In Cingular-Apple Deal, Only Phone Was Missing
- NY Times

My fear of Apple's clout in today's tech market is eclipsed only by their power to stimulate in me an uncontrollable urge to buy their products. The iPhone, and I'm not talking about the Linksys model that was released in 1997, is the latest in a line of sleek, sexy and addictive tech products I will be mercilessly coerced into buying. Which is why I'm now joining the ranks of countless others furiously hammering at their keyboards to bolster the hype for a product still more than 6 months away from the Canadian market.

If you asked me why I needed an iPod back in 2004, I would most likely have whipped out my boxy yellow Sony Discman with the broken door hinge and thrown it right in your face. Personal mp3 players were a logical step in the evolution of portable music and, as a post-grad student without a car, an iPod was the only thing keeping me from having to acknowledge the rantings of degenerates on Toronto's transit system. Sure, there were other brands of mp3 players out there, but none of them came with a guaranteed elevation in perceived popularity or an instinctual tensing of the sphincter whenever I caught a random brigand staring at my white headphones.

Likewise, when the newest model of the MacBook Pro was released last year, I suddenly realized my 4-yr old PC tower was no more than a glorified abacus with built-in solitaire. I had no real need for a mobile computing platform and my knowledge of Apple's newest OS was relegated to an afternoon trying to find a widget that gave up-to-date Leaf news. But it took all of 5 seconds to engineer a compelling argument for why I needed one and another 5 months to secure enough capital to buy it.

So when King Jobs announced the iPhone yesterday at MacWorld, I hightailed it to the website to check it out. I have to admit, I'm kicking myself now for not realizing how much life sucked using my crappy Razr to make regular phone calls to my plebeian friends or listen to lackluster songs on my monochrome 4G iPod. How could I have possibly lasted this long?

So now, like some jackass with pocket aces at the Thursday-night poker game, Apple has laid down their cards early showing their supreme confidence that the smart phone market is safely in the bag. And, try as I might, I'm having a hard time finding fault with that assumption. The linked Times article (and many others) make some compelling arguments against the iPhone, but in reality there's no detractor that can't be toppled by Apple's advertising regime, no matter how logical their complaints are.

Apple has been selling dreams since 1984 and this is undoubtedly their best one yet. They have 6 months to create and apply a promotional campaign that will make this product synonymous with teen sex, mobile business, best friends and life-long happiness; and with the variety of big-name media vehicles they have on hand, I don't doubt for a second they can do it. I'm giving it 3 weeks until we see an iPhone subway car, a hot young girl's silhouette texting on a billboard and that wiry little Apple kid beating that poor fat man over the head with it. Maybe Pixar will even join in the fun and release an animated movie about it. By the time June rolls around, people will be so psyched to buy this thing the Apple store won't have stock till 2008. By that time, God willing, the iPhone will actually deliver on half of what it promises.