How many lbs of flesh could a woodchuck chuck...

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'
- BBC News (Trust is the foundation of the BBC: we are independent, impartial and honest)

According to a report picked up from the esteemed and redoubtable Russian newspaper Komsomolskaya Pravda, there is apparently a new kind of killer lurking the streets of Lazo, Russia.

In addition to widespread poverty, rampant organized crime and an overall dearth of decent Quizno's outlets, Russians must now contend with rogue squirrel and chipmunk gangs that collectively attack, kill and EAT carnivorous household pets larger than a human toddler.

They say in the article that a shortage of pine cones is likely to blame for the squirrels shift in eating habits from vegetation to living animals. I'm no rocket surgeon, but I'm going to go ahead and say there may be a few gaping holes in that theory. Wouldn't the logical choice for a squirrel faced with no pine cones be to try some other form of plant life first? No, what we're dealing with here is ramped-up evolution.

Squirrels have, for centuries, been subject to man's superior intelligence, population growth and rate of urban expansion. They have been forced out of their homes, stripped of their food and they've finally had enough. They're going to do what the Native Americans couldn't and take the m'n f'n power BACK in the form of organized death squads.

Can you imagine what would happen if this problem spread to Canada? Our country is mostly made up of wooded areas and I'm pretty sure our squirrel population is exponentially larger than our human population. Forget our growing homicide rate; forget drunk drivers; forget AIDS. You want to stay alive? Stay the hell away from the neighbourhood park.

I figure it's only a matter of time now before these beasts get enough kid meat (rife with growth hormones) to put on some serious body mass and start taking out full sized adults. Soon they'll be sporting gang tattoos, wearing bandannas and packing heat. We're looking at an invasion here that even the most sophisticated space weapon can't tackle.

In the learned words of Bill Paxton's Pvt. Hudson: "That's it man, game over man, game over!"