Expert you say? Why yes actually...

Avoid wild mushrooms, hospital advises
- CBC

911 Operator: 911, please state the emergency.

Me: Uhhh... I think I may have eaten a poisonous mushroom.

911 Operator: Ok sir, just calm down. Are you experiencing any health effects?

Me: Welllll, my heart is racing...

911 Operator: Anything else?

Me: Huh? Who is this? Oh... right. I'm seeing trails, I can't stop grinding my teeth... uhh... my skin feels tingly and this phone smells like... aahahhaha... that squirrel is so humping that garden gnome. Quick, let's catch him and feed him the rest of these!

This article rocks. So very Canadian. Where else are you going to get a straight-faced account of the health risks associated with eating wild mushrooms? I bet the CBC runs a 'special warning' on ticker-tape during tonight's Leafs game.

I had no idea there was such a profession as 'Mushroom Expert.' Their business cards must be brightly coloured and ornate. They must have been so pumped when they announced the bumper crop this year... along with the entire under-30 population of BC.

Moral of this article: Only buy mushrooms from your local grocery store... or the guy in the hemp shirt, baggy cargo pants and oversized toque standing outside your local grocery store. He is quite likely an honest-to-God Mushroom Expert so you have nothing to worry about.