We are all doomed.

Stingray jumps aboard boat, stabs man, 81
- Chicago Tribune

Holy sweet Jesus. Forget greenhouse gasses; forget melting glaciers... forget the impending peak oil crisis. You want irrefutable evidence that our world is coming to an end, read this article. This is the sea-borne equivalent to a string of heinous and deadly kitten attacks in your hometown.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but stingrays are flat and sail-like because they're bottom feeders. They're supposed to roam the ocean's floor searching for small morsels of food and looking graceful and pretty while they're doing it. Since when do they launch themselves into boats to attack humans? I bet next they're going to form an army off the coast of Florida, sprout legs and go on a killing spree. You're next Jeb Bush! This is what you get.

This Carl Luer guy is totally talking out of his ass. "Spotted eagle rays often jump completely out of the water, although no one is sure why." Suuure they do buddy, just like planes piloted by major league baseball pitchers routinely crash into downtown NYC buildings... happens all the time and no one is sure why. "It can be very dramatic," he says. I'd be willing to bet that Jimmy Bertakis' description was a little less romantic. "What the fuck is that thi... arrghhh my heart!"

How the fuck do they know where human hearts are anyways? WHO TAUGHT THEM!? I'm pretty sure they can't even see that well. What kind of super-stingray sense do you have to have to locate a human heart? There's a question for you Luer. Riddle me THAT! I'm sure it's "very dramatic."

I'm blaming North Korea. The Ill Jong was a little too quick to apologize for his nuke test. I think the whole thing was a ploy to distract the international intelligence community from his secret stingray training facility. He's showing them clips of Crocodile Hunter a la Clockwork Orange to get them all fired up, then he unleashes them on the unsuspecting public. That crafty little bastard.