Nutty librarians sack book with testy topic

With One Word, Children’s Book Sets Off Uproar
- NY Times

The word “scrotum,” as a general rule, appears in all facets of my daily conversation. But it's a rare occasion when it appears in the first paragraph of a NYT article.

The fact that said article is discussing how 'scrotum' appeared on page one of a children's book makes this post part of some intense mirror-like effect that I can't even begin to understand.

Of all the personality types roaming Earth, the type required of grade school librarians is the most ill-suited to censor children's literature. Don't believe me? Just take a second and think back to your days in grade school. Remember the librarian? That little old coot hunched over a card catalog, sacrificing enjoyment and laughter to the dark lord Melvil Dewey, creator of all that is ordered? Their rule was staunchly authoritarian and it was apparent they hated all children with an intensity that burned like the sun.

Now look back on them through your adult eyes. The old axiom "those who can, do; those who can't, teach" was based on the school librarian profession. In the competency hierarchy of grade school teachers, they come in only slightly above janitorial staff and well below phys-ed teachers. The job interview for such a post is a simple checklist:

1. University undergrad degree
   
2. Post-grad education certificate
   
3. Complete lack of social life
   
4. Deep-seeded hate for children resulting from an unpopular youth
   

Growing up, those people would go into anaphylactic shock if they even heard the word scrotum, not to mention what happened when they were held down and shown one. (Go try it, it's funny.) So when I read the comments from these outraged librarians, I couldn't help but indulge in a deep, chortling laugh emanating from somewhere near my own scrotum.

You see, children need to read about funny-sounding body parts at an early age. In doing so, we can actually REDUCE the humour these words elicit later on in the development process. It's common knowledge to most parents that reading something in a book removes the word's controversy in a child's mind. If anything, making a 12 yr old work through the pronunciation in class will force them to come up with an entirely different word to yell at Susie on the jungle gym at recess.

Imagine, if you will, 35 pre-pubescent voices all stammering on 'sc-ro-tum' in unison. Their eyes all glossed-over in the reading-but-not-learning mode we've all since perfected. Can you hear them? It's like the voices of angels.

I think instead of banning an award-winning book because it mentions boy bags, we should publish the entire works of Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor and George Carlin and make them standard, English texts in every school. Not only would we have better behaved and more eloquent children, but we could most likely do away with formal sex-ed as well.

What if I just sent her cash and a picture of flowers?

Valentine's Day
Function: noun
Etymology: Saint Valentine died ab270 Italian priest
1: A holiday wedged between MLK Day and President's Day allowing North Americans to celebrate something not completely and unabashedly American between New Years and Spring.


Explained through cards, movies and confused discussions with your girlfriend, VDay is a celebration for lovers and the object of one's desire. It's a time to herald the union of a man and a woman, a man and a man, or (god willing) two attractive and experimental college girls with charge accounts at The Stag Shop ... but I digress. VDay, as defined by women, is the one day a year to celebrate that which makes us human - the love for another.

But what is VDay really? What lurks under the surface? Many non-partisans contend that VDay is nothing more than a meaningless consumer holiday created by some insidious conglomerate of chocolate manufacturers, florists and jewelry magnates aimed at increasing profits in a period of consumer lull. To those people, I say - What's your point?

For men, VDay means one thing - GIVING. Participation in this task is no more optional than participation in the morning commute. No amount of whining or anti-consumer logic will absolve you of your duty to send flowers at work; attend dinner in a suit; and possibly buy and wrap an expensive gift.

For women, the meaning of VDay is two-fold. On the one hand, it's a time to be showered with the aforementioned gifts. But the true meaning of VDay for every woman is actually the once-a-year, no-holds-barred competition to gauge the love of their significant other based on the quality of gifts sent to their place of work.

Like watching a particularly gory Discovery Channel program, I've seen, first-hand, the annual battle of bulbs and bonbons in no less than three different office settings. It begins shortly after 9 a.m. when the first delivery guy arrives with a small bouquet of flowers. They're delivered to a desk and immediately every other female in the office takes notice. Pleasantries are exchanged about the smells and colours ... perhaps the card is even passed around eliciting the required (but far from heartfelt) ooohs and ahhhs. Then, ten minutes later, another delivery guy shows up with another store-bought affirmation of love. This new gift is then subjected to the same judging process and, if it's better, immediately eclipses the first gift in attention. The process is then repeated throughout the day until the last gift has been received and tallied. By 4 p.m., a winner is proclaimed through a ritual of e-mail discussion, IMs and a continuous procession of female coworkers.

Those that played and lost are left to stare blankly at their 30-dollar "Tender Trio" bouquet and wonder just when exactly their boyfriend/husband expects to get laid again and how much better they'll feel once they've denied him that pleasure. In the other corner, the winner and her immediate runners-up spend the last hour of the day arranging for a truck to drive them and their three-dozen dead flowers back home again where, in a worst-case scenario they'll be left to wilt and then thrown out or, at best, aid in the digestive process of a loving pet.

So to any guy that has yet to purchase a VDay gift - I say go big and go public. Shell out some bucks and make your woman the big winner at the office this year. After all, if it were really the thought that counted, Valentine’s Day would still be about some dude who was killed for helping Christians escape torture and death in a Roman prison.