We are all doomed.

Stingray jumps aboard boat, stabs man, 81
- Chicago Tribune

Holy sweet Jesus. Forget greenhouse gasses; forget melting glaciers... forget the impending peak oil crisis. You want irrefutable evidence that our world is coming to an end, read this article. This is the sea-borne equivalent to a string of heinous and deadly kitten attacks in your hometown.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but stingrays are flat and sail-like because they're bottom feeders. They're supposed to roam the ocean's floor searching for small morsels of food and looking graceful and pretty while they're doing it. Since when do they launch themselves into boats to attack humans? I bet next they're going to form an army off the coast of Florida, sprout legs and go on a killing spree. You're next Jeb Bush! This is what you get.

This Carl Luer guy is totally talking out of his ass. "Spotted eagle rays often jump completely out of the water, although no one is sure why." Suuure they do buddy, just like planes piloted by major league baseball pitchers routinely crash into downtown NYC buildings... happens all the time and no one is sure why. "It can be very dramatic," he says. I'd be willing to bet that Jimmy Bertakis' description was a little less romantic. "What the fuck is that thi... arrghhh my heart!"

How the fuck do they know where human hearts are anyways? WHO TAUGHT THEM!? I'm pretty sure they can't even see that well. What kind of super-stingray sense do you have to have to locate a human heart? There's a question for you Luer. Riddle me THAT! I'm sure it's "very dramatic."

I'm blaming North Korea. The Ill Jong was a little too quick to apologize for his nuke test. I think the whole thing was a ploy to distract the international intelligence community from his secret stingray training facility. He's showing them clips of Crocodile Hunter a la Clockwork Orange to get them all fired up, then he unleashes them on the unsuspecting public. That crafty little bastard.

Best idea ever...

Students Trained to Fight School Shooters
- AOL News

Seriously... what took so fucking LONG? How can you call yourself an American teen and not be prepared to jump some dude with a gat in the middle of trig class? I'd be training like Rocky every night on the off-chance that some gun-wielding psycho stormed my high school. Hell I'd bring my own gun into school just in case. Even if it meant I became that psycho. And if anyone got in my face about it... well hell... that's how it happens i guess.

I wonder if, in those instructional video tapes, there are any realistic portrayals of students dying while trying to fight back. It's pretty easy to get a sixth grader pumped about fighting by showing him a video... hell he's probably going to just go home and watch UFC anyways. It's a completely different story when you explain to him that he could fall under the 'collateral damage' heading in the acceptable loss category.

I'm betting the biggest silent partner in this affair is the US Armed Forces. I mean aren't they basically just prepping kids to join the army at an early age? They should have them recite the Ranger's Creed or a few lines from Saving Private Ryan each morning in addition to pledging allegiance and the saying the Lord's prayer. This will do wonders for the teachers' ability to control their students too. Imagine how quickly little Bobby would stop pulling Suzie's hair when he's staring down the barrel of a teacher-issued shotgun.

"If you have got 15 sixth, seventh and eighth graders, they can be an incredibly effective weapon." - This statement basically sums up my issue with this dude's plan. Do you even listen to yourself when you speak? How the FUCK can he possibly say that he's got a lot of support from parents? He's training a child-army for God's sake... and he's doing it for as little as 15 bucks a kid. Once they hit grade 9, Texas can send them all to Iraq. The US will probably be pretty low on troops by then. What self-respecting parent would go along with this? What happened to running AWAY from crazy people with guns? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO PEOPLE IN TEXAS?!

He even admits at the end that the first kid to rush the gunman will probably die. He backs up his statement by saying: "he won't be able to shoot the fourth, fifth, eighth, twentieth or thirtieth student." Ok, sure. But if he has an automatic rifle, he'll probably be able to pick off the third, seventh, nineteenth and twenty-second with no trouble.

What I propose is this: For 15 bucks a kid, I'll fly down to Texas and teach all of those kids how to:

1. accurately assess a crazy gunman situation;
2. determine where exactly he is in the school... and
   
3. RUN THE OTHER FUCKING WAY.

I'll even have enough money to bring in McDonald's for everyone so these kids can get back to focusing on what matters - childhood obesity.

Dude, you're getting a... ugnnnnhhh

"These Dells are great for porno..."
- thatvideosite.com

Ok, so this is a bit of a departure from the usual, respectable online news channels I post about. Granted this site and the veracity of the video can be questioned ad nauseam, but that's not important. What IS important is why the eff Dell hasn't started targeting this demographic themselves. How many people looking at buying a new computer are doing so with lewd intentions for its future use? I know I am... and I know you are too. Yah, that's right, and I'm telling your mom.

Most Dells are displayed in Future Shops and Best Buys with little peel-away stickers that read: Windows Vista compatible or Intel Inside... but what about a sticker that reads 'Hard Core Streaming Porno-ready'? Or perhaps "New Non-Stick Keyboard Coating"?

Dell could aggressively tap a demographic that already makes up millions (if not gazillions) of current Internet users. I'm seeing a whole slew of new TV ads like this one:

The scene unfolds with a teen in his bedroom, hunched over a keyboard. His face is lit only by the bright glow from his monitor that displays two enormous fake tits bouncing across the screen. A soft, muffled moan coming from his Dell high-fidelity headphones blocks out the sound of his bedroom door opening and that freaky "dude you're getting a Dell" guy sneaking across the carpet. He deftly dodges the various skate shoes, hoodies and handguns strewn across this average American teen's bedroom floor. Then, just as the kid is nearing completion... the Dell guy rips off the kid's headphones and yells "Dude, you're dicking on a Dell!" Tell me you wouldn't go out and buy one... you're lying.

Other variations include the weary road warrior getting into his hotel room late at night, loosening his tie, examining the "complimentary wireless internet access" card and thanking god for his 17" wide-screen Dell laptop with built-in wifi card.

You could even work in female-targeted ads, although I have no idea how. Maybe a Dell brand vibrator powered by blue-tooth technology? The possibilities are endless.

Sufficed to say, if Dell wants to come out on top in the next fiscal quarter and regain some of the market share that is constantly migrating to Apple, they better get their collective heads out of their asses and start working on ad campaigns that will get more porn freaks on board. They are, after all, our future.

Operation Find Papers

Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants
- CNN

Ah yes, pot, the unexpected and potent enemy that has been ruining young Canadian's lives for decades. Who knew that Canada's elite would have to go all the way to Afghanistan to finally meet it on the battlefield and settle the score? They could have conducted the training excercise in the fields around my old home town.

At least we know that the troops best suited to handle a weed issue are on the job. Imagine if it were US troops that came across those plants. They'd probably settle in and start selling it to locals in the name of 'restoring freedom and democracy.'

I would love to see an entire armored car covered in pot plants too. I actually can't believe this article didn't include an image of that. It has Pulitzer written all over it.

I don't know what's harder to believe, that they used white phosphorus to try and burn down the plants or that it wasn't successful. I mean it's PLANTS... what happened to just cutting them down? Did they tap the engineer corps for this one? They may have had better results from the enlisted men. If the US is in Iraq for oil, maybe THIS is why Canada is in Afghanistan... we're conducting research vital to improving our no. 1 international export.

I think they just weren't trying hard enough to clear those plants. I know a few people that could have had them trimmed, cured and bagged before you could say 'durka durka.'

No suggestive dancing in the light beer room

Booze, dirty dancing stop the music at Hailifax schools
- CBC News

Next week: Fun-police chief Gary Walker raids math class, bans bathroom breaks, recess and smiling.

What a BASTARD! Principal Gary Walker has got to be the meanest old coot ever. Who bans school dances? Aren't they afraid this will emotionally stunt their children's development? I can still remember getting all dressed up and honing my moves for my highscho....oohhh wait. No one went to highschool dances anyways.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the general consensus amongst kids older than 14 was to go get boozed in the woods and skip the dance all together. Likewise, the suggestive dancing was typically done horizontally on the basement couch with the TV turned up so mom and dad couldn't hear (they really could though... they just respected your need for 2nd base).

"Too many students have been showing up drunk or dancing suggestively to driving drum beats under the dim lights," says Garebear. Maybe the issue is actually driving drum beats and dim lights (or perhaps alliteration)? Why not hold elevator-music dances at high-noon on the local hockey rink? Lets see them try to dance suggestively on THAT!

I bet the real issue driving this entire thing is Walker Halifax Ranger's own inability to dance. He probably cried himself to sleep as a boy only to be woken by nightmares of Johnny Quarterback getting all the chicks with his impressive Chicken Dance skills.

In Walker's defence though, he does have a backup plan to keep up student morale: "If we do an ice cream social, or we do battle of the bands, the kids who show up to those events don't show up drunk or stoned." Really Gary? No one showed up to the battle of the bands stoned? I find that hard to believe. Hell I'd find it hard to believe no one showed up to the ice cream social stoned... I'd have thought that would pretty much be a prerequisite.

It ain't all peg legs and parrots

Microsoft steps up anti-piracy efforts
- CBC

So Gates is gone to pursue other options. In all honesty, I think the various tête-à-têtes he's had with Bono over the years made him realize it's actually more fun to spend money than to make (and lose) it at the helm of Microsoft. Now he's touring the world with fellow super heroes like Bill Clinton declaring that the spread of AIDS must be stopped with all the gravity and conviction he once reserved for Windows Vista deadline promises.

That leaves Microsoft in some pretty shaky hands. Those shaky hands belong to the ever-agitated Steve Ballmer. This guy has about as much finesse as a neutron bomb in a China shop. He used to be the Yin to Gates' Yang balancing the latter's cool-guy 'wtf-cares-I'm-rich-biaaatch' attitude with just the right amount of murderous, chair-throwing rage. Now that the Yang is gone, we're left with the Yin making rash decisions in a crucial time where Microsoft could, for once, conceivably topple from their number 1 position.

I'm wondering what the hell Ballmer is thinking with these newest Vista anti-piracy announcements. Not only will users running what Microsoft (often incorrectly) determines to be a pirated version of Vista lack access to some key features from the get-go, they will apparently lose access to even non-Microsoft programs after 30 days. According to the article, after one month of unverified operation, Vista will further restrict users to just the web browser for an hour at a time leaving them unable to open any file or program on their own hard drive. As if frequent blue-screen-of-death system crashes weren't enough, now those few fleeting minutes between them will be restricted to checking webmail and surfing internet porn. What a wonderful way to further drain productivity.

There is no doubt in my mind that Microsoft is hastily driving the first of many nails into their own coffin through continued anti-piracy efforts in the form of WGA. On the other hand, Google, their number 1 competitor, is moving towards a freely-accessible online OS already evidenced with the seamless integration between Google Calendar, Homepage, Picasa and Blogger. For the most part, all of these services actually work too, and with a minimum of integrated advertising. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now Google seems to be playing the good-guy role. We'll see how the recent acquisition of YouTube will factor into that in the coming months.

Expert you say? Why yes actually...

Avoid wild mushrooms, hospital advises
- CBC

911 Operator: 911, please state the emergency.

Me: Uhhh... I think I may have eaten a poisonous mushroom.

911 Operator: Ok sir, just calm down. Are you experiencing any health effects?

Me: Welllll, my heart is racing...

911 Operator: Anything else?

Me: Huh? Who is this? Oh... right. I'm seeing trails, I can't stop grinding my teeth... uhh... my skin feels tingly and this phone smells like... aahahhaha... that squirrel is so humping that garden gnome. Quick, let's catch him and feed him the rest of these!

This article rocks. So very Canadian. Where else are you going to get a straight-faced account of the health risks associated with eating wild mushrooms? I bet the CBC runs a 'special warning' on ticker-tape during tonight's Leafs game.

I had no idea there was such a profession as 'Mushroom Expert.' Their business cards must be brightly coloured and ornate. They must have been so pumped when they announced the bumper crop this year... along with the entire under-30 population of BC.

Moral of this article: Only buy mushrooms from your local grocery store... or the guy in the hemp shirt, baggy cargo pants and oversized toque standing outside your local grocery store. He is quite likely an honest-to-God Mushroom Expert so you have nothing to worry about.

Blow at high dough

Lawmakers Scold Maker of 'Cocaine' Drink
- NY Times

In a shocking news report from the NY Times, sources have uncovered the unthinkable - New York has a cocaine problem. Not the drug cocaine however, we're talking about a new caffeine-based energy drink by the same name that has just hit the shelves (and the fan) in the city that never sleeps.

Mr. Bloomberg, illustrious mayor of New York and his cronies are heading up a 'public outcry' against the new drink that "glamorizes an illegal and deadly stimulant that has ravaged families and neighborhoods since the epidemic of the 1980’s."

Shame on Redux Beverages L.L.C., the California-based soft drink manufacturer who produces the substance and then markets it (legally I might add) on the east coast. I think Councilman James Sanders Jr. of Queens really sums up the pure villainy of their plan saying, "Either (they) are woefully ignorant of the horrors of cocaine addiction, or (their) god is the dollar bill, and not even human life is more sacred." I second that notion; those bastards must be actually be trying to turn a profit on their new product.

God forbid a company put profits over people in a country that has prided itself on doing just that across the globe for decades. I wonder where Mr. Sanders' expensive designer suit was made; I'd be willing to bet at least some of his fancy garbs were outsourced to a country where low wages and even lower standards of living helped the label bolster their bottom line. I'm no better, I'll admit, I just can't stand the pungent pong of hypocrisy wafting its way across the country.

The outrage doesn't end there though, and really why should it? Once they run out of mean-spirited adjectives to describe how detrimental this product will be for New York's impressionable "children and teen ‘partygoers,’" they start attacking its lack of nutritional benefits. Surprisingly, Cocaine can't replace orange juice, water or breast milk as a part of your complete breakfast. In fact, while Cocaine does lead energy drinks in caffeine (280 mg/8.4-ounce serving); it pales in comparison to a 16-ounce cup of Starbucks coffee which contains over 370 mg.

One overly paranoid Councilwoman even implies that Cocaine may be a gateway product (like those fiendish Popeye Cigarettes) enticing youngsters to try the real thing. Lady, you have to be on something yourself to make a statement like that. That's like saying Jolt Cola could cause kids to jam a fork in their toaster trying to take it to the next level.

I want to know why no one has brought guns to bear on Cocaine's main opponent, Red Bull and their 'give you wings' campaign. In my opinion, either they are woefully ignorant of the horrors of sprouting wings or, like Redux, are only concerned with the almighty dollar. Again, how dare they! Companies should know better than to put money first in the heart of today's most successful (and immoral) consumer culture.

Y'all ready to bust some ass?!?

In Many Public Schools, the Paddle Is No Relic
- NY Times

Aahhhaha Texas. Why do you always seem to be leading the charge against common sense and decency in North America? (I know, I know Colorado, you're up there too.)

Apparently, corporal punishment is back in style along with skinny pants and Samuel L. Jackson. I guess the fear of getting your ass slapped with a wooden pole must be pretty effective in stopping schoolchildren from knifing each other for dissin on Spongebob. It must not turn into something lewd and enjoyable until you get to university and pledge for a fraternity.

Judging from his picture (taken shortly after batting practice), Anthony Price, principal of Fort Worth middle school, really and truthfully loves his job. Picture him getting ready to beat your ass to a bloody pulp with that thick wooden stick. Dude must be in heaven. I wonder how many 'pops' you'd get for making fun of his tie? Tina Morgon definitely spoiled Mr. Price's day when she went Indian giver on her carte blanche clearance for continued beatdowns. I guess she'll have to put a "blisterin on (her son's) knucklehead" on her own time instead.

Apparently, the punishment for playing a game where you punch your friends to see who's tougher is being beaten about the buttocks with a paddle. Seems about right I guess, I mean Trav will never think of using violence to assert his superiority again, not after that stunning display of adult better-judgment.

But Mr. Price couldn't have gone right to the paddle, no siree Bob. Similar to Dante's Inferno, there are three other rungs on his ladder to hell. Poor Travis must have first endured a scathing verbal warning, followed by push-ups (not an easy task for a hefty fella like T-bone) and finally detentions and isolation. Then, and only then, would he get a choice of getting beaten or bringing his mommy to school with him for the day. I bet if he took the parental shadow route Mr. Price would be dealing with a new 'flinch' champion on the schoolyard in the form of Ms. Tina Morgan.

I can't help but wonder how her son could fall into the wrong crowd though. I mean he's obviously coming from a safe and intellectually rich household... she's a single mother working on a highway crew in rural North Carolina. I'm pretty sure that in Texas, that's one step below governor.

Truth-be-told, I think the only time I've even heard of paddling was in that movie Dazed and Confused, which oddly enough also takes place in Texas. That says a lot about the media's portrayal of violence though; from what I could tell, Ben Affleck (bless his no-talent heart) made it look like a righteous time for all involved. Maybe if Mr. Price took Travis under his wing and taught him how to pick up highschool sophomores while feeding him beers from the trunk of his 70's muscle car, he could have avoided the entire snafu in the first place.

Wal-Mart: Making Baby Jesus Cry since 1962

Wal-Mart to Add More Part-Timers and Wage Caps
- NY Times

Oh good, more part-time, under-trained, under-enthused expectant teenage mothers to look at me petulantly and break into tears when I ask, "umm what aisle can I find the little floating silicon coolies that keep my imported beer cold while I'm watching TV in the hot tub?"

Don't Wal-Mart workers have it bad enough? They already have to wear those stupid blue smocks all day, sport a murderous-rage-inspiring happy face pin, smile at idiots like me and clean up every form of bodily fluid from toddlers and drunken old men alike.

How did the decision to cut their wages go down anyways?
Johnson: Hey Stevens, who should we fuck in the ass today?
Stevens: Hrm... well I'm way too coked up to think of something new... lets drop trou on our support staff again.

They've even quashed all attempts by workers to win back some dignity by joining a union with a fervour reminiscent of Tiananmen Square. The only ones that came close were the French Canadians and I'm pretty sure they just decided to close the store all together.

As a result, I have decided to boycott Wal-Mart indefinitely. Granted, I only go into Wal-Mart about 2 or 3 times a year; usually when I've forgotten Mother's Day or some other occasion that requires a card and a small gift 10 minutes before you're supposed to be there. Even then, I usually don't mind taking the extra 30 mins to make a few stops at smaller, specialty stores like Zellers or A Buck or Two. Nevertheless, the boycott stands, Wal-Mart be warned.

"I'll have a ... urger ... large c ... and a ... ow job please"

Armstrong 'got Moon quote right'
- BBC News

FINALLY, incontrovertible proof that Mr. Armstrong didn't make an all-too-crucial error in diction while pre-occupied with being the first human to WALK ON THE MOON. This is indeed one small step for man and one giant leap for GoldWave Inc. Hopefully now they can afford a new website.

In any event, the last piece of the puzzle is finally in place - case closed. Maybe now, with this new technology, we can also solve that mystery of why I always hear "'scuse me while I kiss this guy" in Hendrix's Purple Haze and "slow-motion Walter, the fire engine guy" in Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water. Quick Mr. Ford, analyze some Beatles' songs in reverse and tell me what the dark lord is ACTUALLY saying.

This is just the kick in the pants that NASA needed. All those exploding shuttles and the billions of dollars of debt can now be wiped clean from their conscience. Dubya, the most space-crazed president since whoever was running the country for JFK, must be very pleased too. Even though this means the list of other people who can't repeat a simple sentence on TV without effing it up has just shrunk by one.

But what about the 6 per cent of the general public that believe the landing itself was fake? I mean now that we've proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that all syllables were accounted for in Steely Neil's historic speech, what's left to dispute? Sure blueprints, telemetry and video from the other five Apollo missions are missing, and there's footage of the American flag blowing in the moon's non-existent wind. Maybe you can even see a guy smoking a cigarette peering out around the side of the lunar module... but I specifically heard Neil say "a man," so THERE. Now take your conspiracy theory-addled brains and focus on something more important, namely why Jets leave little cloud trails in the sky and what effect that has on the frequency of boom-booms I make in a single day.