... Umm I believe I ordered mine Kosher?

Beijing's Penis Emporium
- BBC News (no really, it's not Fox)

So this post is a little more low-brow than the others, but I'm on deadline at work and I feel that the content is just too rich to pass up. There's something about an entire article on China's apparent nation-wide fixation with eating cock that simply must be discussed.

I mean here's something the entire male population of the Western World has been trying to convince women (and I guess some dudes) of for centuries: A dick in the mouth is good for body, mind and soul. A heart-felt thank you goes out to the People's Republic of China for finally driving this point home and to Andrew Harding, special penis-eating correspondent to the BBC for bringing it to our attention.

Nancy, the waitress-cum-nutritionist at The Guolizhuang (pronounced goal-is-wang?) penis restaurant, is by far my favourite waitress ever. I mean where else can you hear "They're having the penis hotpot" or "Women don't come here so often, and they shouldn't eat testicles" (good advice) from your server? Not Kelsey's or Jack Astor's I can assure you of that. She's obviously very experienced, I can now rest more easily knowing that tiger penis tastes "just like all the others" despite it's exorbitant pricing. I guess the proof must be in the pudding in this case, I wonder if it comes as a dipping sauce.

This is one of the reasons I don't enjoy Asian mystery restauranting even along the tame streets of Toronto's downtown core. One of my worst nightmares is passing a quaint, upscale establishment only to find the menu populated by various assortments of animal dick; and God help me if I didn't have a Nancy there to let me know what I was getting myself into.

I recall an entire class in my post-grad program devoted to writing interesting and thought-provoking captions for the images that accompany a news article. The gist of it was not to call out the obvious, but rather to give some sort of insight into the 'bigger picture.' So when I saw a caption under a picture of various animal penises hanging from a hook that reads: "The Chinese believe that eating penis can enhance your virility," I felt a special appreciation for the simplicity and clarity of the message. Why call out the obvious fact that they're animal penises, maybe that's just this one special case. Bravo caption guy... you must not have fallen asleep that day either.

Ms. Spelling does the USofA

Secretary Vows to Improve Results of Higher Education
- CBC News

First of all, let's ignore the fact that the Secretary of Education in the USofA looks like she could be the dominatrix in some teachers-revenge S&M porn flick. I mean look at her in her big black frames and short, no nonsense haircut with her hands all folded together in some nunnish approximation. Now picture her dressed up in a black latex cat suit with 5-inch heels holding a whip in one hand and one of those nasty metal rulers in the other. Now stop picturing it, you're at work and people are staring.

And Ms. Spellings? You're shitting me right? Is that name handed down with the job? She's basically a new addition to the cast of that cartoon show C.O.P.S. She's standing alongside LongArm, BulletProof and Sgt. Mace to fight against multiple-multiples and St. Patty's Day exam dates.

I'm stymied as to how the implementation of standardized testing could improve post-secondary grades in the first place. For once, and I'm eating my hat here, I actually agree with a university administrator. At best it will support the contention that there is no correlation between the school you go to and the level of your learning (although I thought this point was already proved when Dubya gradumacated from Yale). At worst you're looking at further degrading student morale by adding another monster exam on top of SATs and deciding what to order off the extra value menu at McDonalds after the bar.

Wolf and the Gang

Beheaded prophet opera dropped
- BBC News

Ok, so the pope just got bad-touched in the confessional by the media for quoting an ancient text that said spreading (religious) ideals through violence is wrong. I can dig that. I mean that's as hypocritical as you can get... he's the leader of the religion that went on a world tour burning, killing and pillaging in the name of God AAAND he was in the Hitler Youth as a young pup (I know, I know not of his own volition).

But you gotta start calling bullshit when the fear of reprisal from the small, yet extremely vocal contingent of the international Islamic community reaches all the way to the German opera. I mean cancelling a 226-yr-old show because it depicts the severed heads of Poseidon, Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha? What's next, the international Viking community starts complaining about how metal hats with horns has been sullied by fat women with extremely loud singing voices? Let's leave opera alone guys, it's got enough troubles dealing with no more audience once the rest of the WW2 vets die and just plain sucking overall.

Freedom Fighter or Dark Lord?

Conrad Black wants to be Canadian again
- CBC News

Seriously Connie? You want back into Canada now? What could the bridle path baron possibly desire in our small backwards country-across-the-pond when he's already the Baron of Crossharbour in the land of spotted dick and the Lord of looting and racketeering in the USofA? Perhaps it's the legitimate fear that, if he doesn't act now, his felony conviction will keep him on the wrong side of our iron curtain of unarmed border guards... that is if they don't decide walk off the job again.

Well at least the disposed media baron still knows how to get the message out. "Hrmm... let me see... CBC, CTV, CHCH... ooh TVO! That one's popular with the average joe, isn't it?"

And speaking of average joes... isn't it nice of him to "go through the normal channels like everyone else" in his quest for citizenship. Frankly I'm surprised he didn't ride into Queens Park on a fire breathing unicorn demanding his citizenship on a golden scroll. Bless you Lord Tubby for giving us little people your (albeit inedible) table scraps.

All praise to Canada's soon-to-be freedom fighter - Lord Conrad 'che' Black. Hasta la victoria siempre!