Clubbing baby seals just don't pay the rent

Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland & Labrador vs. Ken Jenkins, Esteemed Actor

Same person? You tell me.

Smokie und zee Bandit

Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair
- Reuters

Ok, so it's been a while. But it's not like I have a staggering readership anyways. If you actually did miss me, I missed you too, let's hug.

In any event, I see no reason to make amends. So instead of trying to come up with something good ... here's a quickie just because I can't stop laughing.

All I can say is: "YES!!! GO MAN! YOU FUCKING GO!"

There's only one thing I don't get. For a country with the nicest cars and the only true highway without a speed limit ... where do these cops get off pulling over a drunk guy in a wheelchair? He's not driving, he's not hurting anyone ... hell he's a poster child for responsible drinking in my opinion. How the hell else is he supposed to get home? It's not like he can take the back roads ... they may not be paved.

And what kind of spokesman makes a joke about impounding some guy's wheelchair anyways? Poor form Herr Polizeioffizier ... poor form indeed.

Frat boys blow it ... then each other

Masturbating trespasser booted from frat
- The Michigan Daily (U of Michigan Student Paper)

Since when do frat boys complain about stuff like this? Some random chick shows up in their house, auditions finger puppets on their couch for thirty minutes, and then leaves without asking for money, a wedding ring or a ride back to her street corner ... and they complain? What the fuck.

Maybe next these guys will put up a petition to stop the sale of beer kegs in the state of Michigan. Or change last call to 7 p.m.

I mean I'm all for taking care of women when they're all fucked up and posing a danger to themselves or others, but if she has the dexterity to itch the ditch for 30 full minutes while still taking calls on her cell ... why not just turn off Mario Kart for a few minutes and enjoy the show?

What's worse is that these idiots called the COPS to oust her from her muffin' buffin'. What self-respecting group of guys can't brainstorm their way to kicking a stoned chick out of their house? All that expensive education must be going towards figuring out how to get a sober girl into their beds.

"Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident." Why are they throwing them both out? Did she reposition halfway through reading the braille? Or is this whole thing just a made-up excuse to get mom and dad to refurnish the frat house?

Either way, they're not doing anything to save the already dismal reputation of the college fraternity.

I can almost smell the whiteout

How to drive in a blizzard
- CityNews

Thank you CityNews for explaining to me exactly how to drive in Canadian winters. Without you I would surely have just gunned it around that hairpin corner using only the guardrail and that school bus full of screaming children to keep me safely on the road.

Ahh whiteout conditions ... "when the horizon, the ground and the sky all blend together, enveloping you in a blanket of white." Sounds unnervingly calming doesn't it? Oddly enough, this is the exact same thing you see during a near-death experience. It's just a little less cold and you don't have some ponce in an SUV riding your ass like he's going in for the reach-around.

Your foot of ground clearance and 4-wheel drive doesn't make you invincible douchebag ... just ask O.J.

I like how the article encourages reader participation. "What should you do if you get caught in one?" they ask. Well City, my first step is to determine if it's sufficiently shitty to turn around, drive home and take a nap. But I can guaran-fucking-tee I won't be pulling off the road and spending my morning in a Tim Hortons just 'riding it out.' Not unless I've somehow wandered off and become so disoriented I can't find my way back to the QEW that is.

I also enjoy the suggestion of tying a coloured bandanna around your antenna for increased visibility. Just make sure you do your research and pick the colours of the local gang most averse to cold weather. I hear Tec-9's freeze up pretty easily though ... so maybe you can just take your chances.

I don't know how many times I've nearly laughed myself to incontinence upon spying a young hussy plowing through a blizzard with her Jackie-O glasses on. Who would have guessed it's actually the right thing to do? Not only can you deflect glare, but you can look fucking stylish doing it. Maybe this is a case for making even bigger sunglasses like those mirrored shields Macho Man used to wear ... Ohhhhh yeahhhh!

My favourite part though has got to be the two separate survival kits the CAA recommends you keep in your vehicle. God help you if you drive a SmartCar ... "Sorry babe, you'll have to ride outside on the bike rack. My triangular bandages, reflective rescue blanket and sterile gauze have perma-shotgun this season."

marriage has got a nice ring to it ...

paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:15 AM):
i have an allergy to metal
nickel
but thats not in gold or silver or platinum so wedding bands will be no probs
also assures i only get nice jewelry
brown says (11:18 AM):
i have an allergy to diamonds ... which means I won't have to buy one for my spouse
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:22 AM):
what spouse?
that allergy pretty much guarantees you will not have one to worry about
brown says (11:24 AM):
when i get a spouse
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:24 AM):
how?
no diamonds = no spouse
brown says (11:24 AM):
you sound like my buddy's gf
so materialistic
who would want to marry a girl that won't even consider it until you pay her off
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:25 AM):
well all materialism aside, engagement ring are diamonds
like.. common law spouse, sure thing, no ring
brown says (11:36 AM):
i just don't like the air of entitlement from most women that marriage comes with a nice big diamond ring attached
it kind of cheapens the entire thing if you ask me
my buddy's gf made the argument that if a man is willing to go out and spend 30k on a car, 5k on a TV and another 5k on a computer, why should she get a 15k ring for marrying him
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:38 AM):
well i think that she is a special case
and it should be for each relationship to decide what is appropriate to spend on a ring
why should she? or why she should?
brown says (11:39 AM):
i think i may not buy an engagement ring just because I don't want to perpetuate this
she says that there's a formula for ring spending.
it's like 1/2 of a man's annual salary at the time of engagement or something
which is stupid
why would you want to start a marriage in more debt than you have to?
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:40 AM):
what, she is wrong
brown says (11:40 AM):
it'll just have more strain on the marriage
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:40 AM):
its 3 months salary
brown says (11:41 AM):
even still
3 mos is a lot
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:41 AM):
but also, you shouldn't get married until you have the funds to support that
brown says (11:41 AM):
so in your eyes, marriage is as much about money as it is about love?
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:41 AM):
and i don't just mean a ring, i mean a wedding and starting a home together
no, but its a merging of two people
if the two people coming together are both in debt, then their ring and wedding will reflect that
and shouldn't be flashy nor elaborate
you should spend what your means are
and if you have the vision of a huge ring and dream wedding, then you need to be able to afford it
brown says (11:42 AM):
diamonds are worthless
they have no usable traits
unless you're trying to cut something like solid rock and you need a diamond-tipped drill, they're worthless
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:44 AM):
mmm...huh....
brown says (11:44 AM):
it has to be the single best example of artificial inflation based on the success of a media-driven, commodity-based society
i agree with the cost of the wedding, and certainly if you plan on having children. You should not spend outside of your means
but with a diamond, it just seems pointless
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:45 AM):
then don't get a big one!
don't do it, marry a girl who wants a band and nothing else
brown says (11:45 AM):
i'll marry a girl that doesn't expect anything more than a band. That's my point
it's about expectations
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:46 AM):
yes, the diamond is an idea made up of social conventions
but you know, when you're really in love and want everyone to know she's YOURS in the months and years between engagement and wedding
its a symbol of things to come
brown says (11:46 AM):
haha
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:47 AM):
and jackass at the bar will stop hitting on your lady if shes got a ring around her finger
brown says (11:47 AM):
this is a Spence Diamond commercial
insert phony guitar solo here
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:47 AM):
hah
brown says (11:47 AM):
ideally, jackass wouldn't have a shot in hell anyways because you're actually in love enough to get married to one another
and, for the record, guys don't notice engagement rings
certainly not when they're working girls at a bar
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:48 AM):
and the point is that its something she will wear every day for the rest of your lives together; it's supposed to be the most expensive piece of jewelry she has, because its being used every day
brown says (11:49 AM):
i'm opposed to jewelry in principle
she doesn't "use" it at all
she wears it
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:49 AM):
jewelry in principle?
why
brown says (11:49 AM):
i'd buy her a 10k watch first
at least then it serves a function
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:51 AM):
i cannot believe you are so anti-aesthetics
brown says (11:54 AM):
it's not all aesthetics
i'm all for expensive clothes and functional adornments ... cars, etc.
it's just jewelry really
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:55 AM):
while jewelry is decorative, it serves a function as representing social attributes, family history, personal traits
i wear my Latvian ring to denote my status as a unmarried, Latvian woman
and its frequently recognized and commented on by women and MEN both Latvian and not
brown says (11:57 AM):
you can't be honestly saying that is a rule and not the exception
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:58 AM):
no, but you are assuming that all jewelry is interchangeable and disposable
brown says (11:58 AM):
going to Spence Diamonds and picking out a diamond ring has absolutely no representation other than personal wealth
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:58 AM):
hah, Spence Diamonds represents lack thereof..
brown says (11:58 AM):
i'm generalizing it ... but i made the distinction between functionality and uselessness
EVERY jewelry store represents lack thereof
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (11:59 AM):
do photographs serve a function?
brown says (12:00 PM):
do photographs cost an exorbident amount of money?
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:00 PM):
ahhhh so it is the cost you have more of an issue with than its lack of functionality
brown says (12:01 PM):
it's the cost/functionality ratio
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:01 PM):
so if your grandmother gave HER ring, a huge diamond, to give to your fiancee, you would or wouldn't have an issue with it?
brown says (12:01 PM):
no issue because the cost and functionality were both low
a better route for your argument would be to ask me how i feel about pieces of art
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:03 PM):
and?
brown says (12:03 PM):
that's a tough one. It serves no purpose and yet it costs a lot of money. But i can derive enjoyment from it.
however, I would much rather buy a print of a famous artwork than spend money on the real thing
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:03 PM):
this is assuming you do not view jewelry as pieces of art, of course, assuming you would never consider investing in a hand-crafted, personally designed piece of jewelry
brown says (12:04 PM):
i would derive the same enjoyment from it as i would the real piece
no, i would not
unless i could find some personal value in it
like if it was made by my son/daughter
and by purchasing it, i would be supporting their goals, etc
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:06 PM):
not, like it was designed by the woman you love?
or designed by you for the woman you love?
brown says (12:07 PM):
no functionality
she should be able to design it and be happy with her accomplishment
stores that let you "design" rings based on a set number of options are just creating another argument for women who wish to possess rings for the sake of pomp and circumstance
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:09 PM):
some things are sentimental and traditional
and serve no functionality other than to herald that
brown says (12:11 PM):
a brand new diamond ring is neither sentimental nor traditional. It heralds only the fact that you are wealthy enough to throw away money on something that serves no other function
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:12 PM):
traditional: the tradition of engagement is for a diamond ring. her mother, her aunts, her sisters, her grandmothers all have them
sentimental: the moment of proposal will always be remembered, and will be requested as a story by friends and family, as well and children the couple will one day have
and the ring is a key part of proposal
its a symbol of commitment
brown says (12:15 PM):
that tradition is borne of nothing other than commodity culture and diamond companies. It holds no sway in my book.
as far as the moment of proposal is concerned. If she needs a ring to remember the moment i proposed marriage to her, she's not worth marrying anyways. The story should be about the love that is shared, not how much I spent on her ring.
if a ring is required as a symbol of commitment, it certainly doesn't have to be an expensive diamond ring
your commitment isn't measured in karats
paiiige... rabbit rabbit didnt work. says (12:26 PM):
no no that is true
obvs we will never reach an agreement on this


DISCLAIMERS:

brown: To my current girlfriend - My point of view is based on principle only and is only so fervently defended in this instance because I love to argue. You have the power to change my mind for me.

paige: To my current boyfriend - You know what to do.

Nutty librarians sack book with testy topic

With One Word, Children’s Book Sets Off Uproar
- NY Times

The word “scrotum,” as a general rule, appears in all facets of my daily conversation. But it's a rare occasion when it appears in the first paragraph of a NYT article.

The fact that said article is discussing how 'scrotum' appeared on page one of a children's book makes this post part of some intense mirror-like effect that I can't even begin to understand.

Of all the personality types roaming Earth, the type required of grade school librarians is the most ill-suited to censor children's literature. Don't believe me? Just take a second and think back to your days in grade school. Remember the librarian? That little old coot hunched over a card catalog, sacrificing enjoyment and laughter to the dark lord Melvil Dewey, creator of all that is ordered? Their rule was staunchly authoritarian and it was apparent they hated all children with an intensity that burned like the sun.

Now look back on them through your adult eyes. The old axiom "those who can, do; those who can't, teach" was based on the school librarian profession. In the competency hierarchy of grade school teachers, they come in only slightly above janitorial staff and well below phys-ed teachers. The job interview for such a post is a simple checklist:

1. University undergrad degree
   
2. Post-grad education certificate
   
3. Complete lack of social life
   
4. Deep-seeded hate for children resulting from an unpopular youth
   

Growing up, those people would go into anaphylactic shock if they even heard the word scrotum, not to mention what happened when they were held down and shown one. (Go try it, it's funny.) So when I read the comments from these outraged librarians, I couldn't help but indulge in a deep, chortling laugh emanating from somewhere near my own scrotum.

You see, children need to read about funny-sounding body parts at an early age. In doing so, we can actually REDUCE the humour these words elicit later on in the development process. It's common knowledge to most parents that reading something in a book removes the word's controversy in a child's mind. If anything, making a 12 yr old work through the pronunciation in class will force them to come up with an entirely different word to yell at Susie on the jungle gym at recess.

Imagine, if you will, 35 pre-pubescent voices all stammering on 'sc-ro-tum' in unison. Their eyes all glossed-over in the reading-but-not-learning mode we've all since perfected. Can you hear them? It's like the voices of angels.

I think instead of banning an award-winning book because it mentions boy bags, we should publish the entire works of Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor and George Carlin and make them standard, English texts in every school. Not only would we have better behaved and more eloquent children, but we could most likely do away with formal sex-ed as well.

What if I just sent her cash and a picture of flowers?

Valentine's Day
Function: noun
Etymology: Saint Valentine died ab270 Italian priest
1: A holiday wedged between MLK Day and President's Day allowing North Americans to celebrate something not completely and unabashedly American between New Years and Spring.


Explained through cards, movies and confused discussions with your girlfriend, VDay is a celebration for lovers and the object of one's desire. It's a time to herald the union of a man and a woman, a man and a man, or (god willing) two attractive and experimental college girls with charge accounts at The Stag Shop ... but I digress. VDay, as defined by women, is the one day a year to celebrate that which makes us human - the love for another.

But what is VDay really? What lurks under the surface? Many non-partisans contend that VDay is nothing more than a meaningless consumer holiday created by some insidious conglomerate of chocolate manufacturers, florists and jewelry magnates aimed at increasing profits in a period of consumer lull. To those people, I say - What's your point?

For men, VDay means one thing - GIVING. Participation in this task is no more optional than participation in the morning commute. No amount of whining or anti-consumer logic will absolve you of your duty to send flowers at work; attend dinner in a suit; and possibly buy and wrap an expensive gift.

For women, the meaning of VDay is two-fold. On the one hand, it's a time to be showered with the aforementioned gifts. But the true meaning of VDay for every woman is actually the once-a-year, no-holds-barred competition to gauge the love of their significant other based on the quality of gifts sent to their place of work.

Like watching a particularly gory Discovery Channel program, I've seen, first-hand, the annual battle of bulbs and bonbons in no less than three different office settings. It begins shortly after 9 a.m. when the first delivery guy arrives with a small bouquet of flowers. They're delivered to a desk and immediately every other female in the office takes notice. Pleasantries are exchanged about the smells and colours ... perhaps the card is even passed around eliciting the required (but far from heartfelt) ooohs and ahhhs. Then, ten minutes later, another delivery guy shows up with another store-bought affirmation of love. This new gift is then subjected to the same judging process and, if it's better, immediately eclipses the first gift in attention. The process is then repeated throughout the day until the last gift has been received and tallied. By 4 p.m., a winner is proclaimed through a ritual of e-mail discussion, IMs and a continuous procession of female coworkers.

Those that played and lost are left to stare blankly at their 30-dollar "Tender Trio" bouquet and wonder just when exactly their boyfriend/husband expects to get laid again and how much better they'll feel once they've denied him that pleasure. In the other corner, the winner and her immediate runners-up spend the last hour of the day arranging for a truck to drive them and their three-dozen dead flowers back home again where, in a worst-case scenario they'll be left to wilt and then thrown out or, at best, aid in the digestive process of a loving pet.

So to any guy that has yet to purchase a VDay gift - I say go big and go public. Shell out some bucks and make your woman the big winner at the office this year. After all, if it were really the thought that counted, Valentine’s Day would still be about some dude who was killed for helping Christians escape torture and death in a Roman prison.